I went old school

Why yes! It’s my first post of 2015. Can you believe it?! I’m still here! I’m still alive.

I actually have a very good reason for my latest lengthy absence. Namely, I’ve started writing in an actual journal again.

A real journal!

I received this bad boy from my cousin for Christmas, and at first I wasn’t sure what I was going to do with it—I mean, who actually physically writes down their thoughts anymore? Then I said to myself, Oh what the heck. I decided to bring the book with me on the sojourn to Miami at the beginning of January, and began writing promptly on the plane ride. It actually turned out to be a pretty cathartic writing session. And then I kept writing throughout the trip.

Nearly 3 months later, I’m still writing in it. It’s become my new best friend.

I wrote in it!

So if you’re curious as to what I’ve been up to these past few months (and I’m sure there’s many of you out there…or not), all the juicy stuff is in there. And there was a lot. In addition to Miami, I also went to New Orleans in February for Mardi Gras (my poor liver) and Seattle at the end of February for fun (again my poor liver). Three trips across the U.S. of A. in the span of two months—it was definitely quite the record for me.

Taking over Mardi Gras 2015

For 2015 my social life somehow decided to reinvent itself and I’ve become, instead of a 21-year-old outgoing party girl…a, well, 25-year-old outgoing FUN girl (I say fun because swigging wine at friends’ apartments have replaced the nightclub parties I attended as a younger 20-something). Work has been…well that’s another story. My love life is another story as well. It’s all in the journal now!

At any rate, I don’t plan on giving up this blog anytime soon. In fact, I’ve got plans (like I always do). But this time I hope to follow through on everything I’ve been planning the past year or so. Shit’s getting real.

Peace ya’ll.

I just want to be happy

“I could stand by the side and watch this life pass me by.” – Leona Lewis

I swore that I would never be one of those people to agonize over lists of New Year’s resolutions because I always thought those kinds of people were just crocks. So you want to improve your life, why is it you only take the time to evaluate and suggest improvements whenever the calendar year changes? Life resolutions should be made and implemented when you create them, when you feel that your life is due for some changes. And most of the time, New Year’s resolutions are all the same. They’re all attempts to repeat the failed resolutions of previous years. Lose weight, take better control of finances. Really, that’s it.

Well, now I guess I’m going to have to swallow what I just said because I’ve come to realize that I do indeed have my own set of resolutions to lay out for me to accomplish. They’re not all necessarily goals I quickly conceived just for this, but rather life propositions that have gradually come about that I shall continue to adhere to in an attempt to find that elusive happiness. Or even simple contentment, that’s all I’m looking for.

Love, cherish, and honor my family

This is something I think I’ve subconsciously set out to do in recent years. I’m straying away from my hostile adolescent ways and trying more to keep this household together. It’s not a role I think I chose or was dealt with. It is just something I have to do. I want my parents to be OK, I want my brothers to grow up and be happy, prosperous people. I’m finding that the more I’ve been getting older, the more dependent I become on the well-being of my family. I don’t know where I would be without them, and I don’t know how I could function if I knew they weren’t happy. I’m not sure if I’m even explaining this right, but all I know is that I’m learning (and really trying) to be less selfish. At least, I hope that’s what I’m doing.

Be a better writer

When I decided to become an English major, it was because I simply liked to read books. I have never nurtured a serious desire to write poetry or critically acclaimed works of literature. I lack the creative drive to try and inspire the world with my words of wit. I never wanted to become a high school English teacher. I just like getting lost in different worlds, transporting myself to a universe that was different from my own. I still think books — plain, sheets of paper bound together, an object those electronic devices could never replace — have such a unique, raw power to make me feel anything. While I’m not going to go so far as to say that my goal this year is to actually get on the grind and write a novel, I want to learn to better express myself. I want to be a better blogger and write more than just about how tired and cranky I am. I want to write more short stories and see if maybe there’s a creative spark somewhere in there.

If there’s one book that I read in 2009 that stood out to me the most, it was Zadie Smith’s White Teeth. I had to read it for one of my English classes last semester, and I was just floored at how this woman’s writing struck me. Everything we talked about from that novel was literally everything I have thought about and mused about. Every topic was something I had never dreamed of dissecting in a contemporary novel. And to think, she started writing that book when she was my age. This year, I want to develop my words. I want to learn to actually, profoundly, and seriously write.

Redefine all my notions of friendship

This is something that I have literally been struggling with my entire life. I’m not sure if I’m good at having friends. I don’t know who I can truly trust with my feelings and innermost thoughts. If I’m not being paid enough attention to, I hide away and channel my anger through some other means. This isn’t to say that I’m never surrounded by people I have fun with. I truly believe that I’m good at being friendly. I’ve always prided myself on being one of those people you could trust your darkest, deepest secrets with, because you know that I’ll always be listening. I guess, if anything, I feel as if I focus too much on being a good friend to others that I don’t know if I know how to have others be good friends to me. It is extremely difficult for me to open up to people, for me to place my trust in others. I’m not the type of person who calls someone up in the middle of the day so that I can vent for the next three hours. If you show no interest in my life, I won’t share it with you. I’m so self-conscious about others not caring to know what is going on in my life, that I never let them get a chance to. I’m almost certain that this is a large reason why I’ve never been in any kind of serious relationship before. I think this is the resolution that is going to be the hardest for me to even think about. I’ll be the first to admit it, I have this huge, gigantic solid wall surrounding me that I don’t know how to break down. And it is my hope that someday, in the future, I will discover how it can be taken down bit by bit.