This winter break sucks ass

Thanks to my seasonal unemployment situation, I’m bored out of my fucking mind, and you would think that with all this free time comes all this fun that’s supposed to come with being a 21-year-old in America, but noooooo.

It’s funny, I’m finally at a point in my life where my parents have FINALLY FINALLY given me near-unlimited freedoms (i.e. no curfew, less criticisms about my drinking, less interrogations about who I go out with, etc.) and yet I’m doing absolutely nothing with them. Quite literally, nothing. I don’t think I’ve socialized with a non-familial human being since…last Friday? Last Wednesday? I don’t know if this is because it’s cold, or because I’m stuck in the far out suburbs, or maybe because I just don’t really have any friends at all anymore.

My New Year’s Eve was spent in the hospital. The “things” I was talking about in my earlier post, well they got worse. About a couple hours before 2011 arrived, my parents and I took my 19-year-old brother to the behavioral unit at my mom’s work. Basically, he has been telling some people very scary things over the past year, messages that hinted at suicide, and when my brother refused to leave his bedroom to go to our usual NYE family party, enough was enough. I’ve known that he’d been having suicidal tendencies for several years now, and needless to say it’s been a relief to finally get him the professional help he’s been needing.

Since then, my brother has been diagnosed with social anxiety disorder, or so my dad told me. It’s a disorder that’s characterized by a persistent, chronic fear of being in social situations, something that can lead to other conditions like depression if left untreated. Which, now that I think about it, makes total sense, because my brother doesn’t socialize with anyone. At all. He’s perfectly comfortable hanging out with me and our 13-year-old brother at home, but he rarely ever gets out of the house to hang out with friends. I don’t even know if he has any of his own friends; the few times I’ve ever seen him out, it’s typically with me and our mutual friends. And then there are times where I wonder if this is all my fault, for being such an overbearing, bossy, dominant older sister.

See why I feel so completely shitty about my life right now? Definitely could use a very stiff drink at the moment…