I take back what I said yesterday, for I had a nervous breakdown today. I literally started crying after my last class, tearing up as I walked home.
I attribute it to the fact that I came home from work at 12:30 last night and had to wake up at 8 a.m. this morning. Also to the fact that I just found out I have an 8-page paper due on Reading Day. Reading Day, seriously, what the fuck? And also maybe because I’m on my period.
My roommate is currently hogging the TV right now to watch that Glee show. Again I ask, how can a dumb show like that take precedence over Game 5 of a very important playoff series? I like to think I’m a person who keeps a very open mind, but one thing I will never ever understand is why people don’t like NBA basketball. Or the Chicago Bulls. It’s silly, I know, but that is just the one part of me that will never shake. I’ve always said I can’t marry a guy who does not like the NBA, or basketball at the very least. I really, truly can’t…unless you’re from another country where another sport takes precedent (which is what happened to me a lot in Costa Rica, LOLz). Anywho, my roommate made a comment on how the one playoff game she really cared about doesn’t start until later…arghh! I need to find girl friends who like basketball. Forreals.
I am a beacon of peace and serenity. Stress cannot enter me. I go with the flow. Pura vida, pura vida.
I literally had to chant all that to myself tonight at work. Tonight was a long night — late stories (like that UConn/Butler game, what a travesty!), a supplement guide to post online. Normally I aim to be done at 11:30, but unfortunately tonight I was out at 1 in the morning. When I realized it was going to be a late night, I started hyperventilating because it doesn’t help that I have to work at my internship tomorrow morning at 10, as well as do the usual schoolwork. But I breathed and thought peaceful thoughts and remembered that things won’t be so bad. My only major assignment due for this week is a paper rewrite due Thursday, so I have all day tomorrow to do it.
I’m also really really hungry right now. I’m eating leftover Kraft mac and cheese that I made earlier today for lunch…was hoping to save it for a snack tomorrow but alas my hungry stomach must be fed. Am also really tempted to whip up a quick small salad right now too. I don’t understand my appetite sometimes.
However, I am starting to understand now why the weekends are so beloved (for adults). With all this stress during the week, I am so ready now to unwind and drink up a storm this weekend!
I’ve been trying to figure out a way to write something without spewing out a handful of whines, complaints and the like. Because I don’t want it to seem like that’s all I do. Nevertheless, if you can’t rant on your blogs then where can you rant, right?
I received the results of my take-home exam last week in my EPS class, which I’m not too happy about. Or rather, I’m not sure how to read the results, because it goes off a 15-point scale rather than the usual % grade, which I’m a much bigger fan of. I was marked down points for not elaborating enough, which in all honesty I find a tad ridiculous considering I basically repeated the information from the handout word-for-word and therefore could not have left out any important details.
Lately I’ve been getting angrier at this American lifestyle I’ve been socialized to live. Americans seem to thrive off stress; people always need to be on the go. You go to college and take classes and do extracurricular activities and basically are expected to not sleep at all. No time for rest. At the moment I’m not feeling it too much; rather, sometimes I feel guilty that my life isn’t fast-paced enough, and that’s the part that angers me, especially now that I have to start looking for jobs and whatnot. Why should I have to make my life stressful? I know hard work leads to success, but I miss the relaxed atmosphere in Costa Rica. Less worries, less panic over things not getting done. You do what you do and let life be. I miss being able to sleeeeeeeep.
This is not what I originally meant this post to be. See what school and this dumb life does to me? I can’t even blog properly anymore.
Well, the past few weeks have been just a flurry of events (I don’t know why I keep saying “flurry” — I’ve even just used it in a story I wrote for the DI). I think I’ve endured more drama, stress, work, and random other shit in the past week than I’ve ever had this year, or at least that’s what it feels like.
Matters concerning the heart are so confusing. There are times where I feel like I’m in a situation that needs to be dealt with immediately; and there are others where I just want nature to take its course. I had a conversation today that put things into perspective about a certain boy and a certain impending trip. I still don’t know what I want to do about our predicament, because it’s hard to think about such a difficult future when the present’s being so good. Then again, the present isn’t being very fun when you know the future is going to be difficult.
It’s strange how working tonight has been rather therapeutic. Unlike last night in the newsroom, where I was ready to fall asleep at 7 in the evening, I was listening to jazz and NSync and chatting with my co-worker Anna. I don’t know how it is I’m feeling better (not less stressed, thoughly, sadly enough) about some things, but now I’m a little more determined to get some things done.
I don’t know what the next few days are going to bring me. I’m a little scared to find out.
So now that I’ve finished the marathon of school/work/everything-else business that has been plaguing me for the past 3 days, I’m taking this opportunity to ramble more about my life rather than getting some zzz’s like I really should be doing instead. And I’m going to really need those zzz’s, because the hell isn’t over for me yet. I still have to prep for my internship interview on Friday and do responses for Coriolanus (which, incidentally, I ended up liking, even though I generally favor Shakespeare’s comedies over his tragedies) and finish my reading and WHY OH WHY DO I ALWAYS END UP BITING OFF MORE THAN I CAN CHEW? My eyes are literally drooping as I type this, and I’ve already had quite a number of typos tonight as I was trying to type up my final paper proposal for ENGL 461. Word was starting to look like Christmas vines, what with all the red and green wavy lines popping up at every corner.
You know that feeling where you have so many decisions to make but you can’t make them yet because there are extraneous factors that still need to be resolved? That’s me. Everything, right now, is hinging on this internship interview on Friday. Of course, I’m nervous as hell because one would be for any job interview, but just the fact that I feel like I’m failing in my career (which hasn’t started yet) as a workingwoman already isn’t helping. I think I’ve had more than my fair share of rejections in the past year, and this would probably be the biggest rejection ever, should I not get the internship.
*slaps self* I must stop talking like this. Insecurity and lack of confidence is probably what would get me rejected in the first place. Again, I must stop being so insecure and be hopeful. Be hopeful.
I haven’t made my “To Do” list for tomorrow yet. This should be cause for panic. My books and notes are strewn all over my room right now, as well as my clothes since I’ve been rotating through the same sweats and shirts all week. I’m surprised I even had time to cook today. I haven’t had the heart yet to plow through my frozen meals, because I know that once I open one package of microwaveable wheels and cheese I’ll end up eating all the rest too, and because of that I somehow scrounged up fried rice and barbecue chicken in about half an hour earlier tonight.
I don’t feel like doing anything anymore. I guess I’ll just go to bed.