Burying myself in distractions

The chest X-ray came back normal. So then why did I feel chest pains again tonight? Why does my breathing always feel so heavy and labored? What if my heart just fails on me and it’s because I had some deformity nobody thought to discover? (This is what happens when you work for a trade magazine for cardiologists, you get way too paranoid about your heart.) Why has my mood not improved yet? Why is it such a struggle to stay positive about anything anymore? When am I ever going to get out of this stupid little episode of misanthropic depression?

There are only a select few things that are keeping me sane right now:

  • NBA playoffs. I’m rooting for the San Antonio Spurs to go all the way. Seriously, just hand the trophy to them once they take care of the Oklahoma City Thunder in the Western Conference finals. Nobody cares about Miami or Boston anymore.
  • White Sox. My boys in baseball won their ninth game in a row tonight. Lovin’ it, lovin’ it! Plus everybody’s still talking about Hawk Harrelson going off on Mark Wegner.
  • Re-reading White Teeth by Zadie Smith. First read this for a class in college, decided it was time to tackle it again. I’d forgotten how funny and witty Smith is. In fact, I’d forgotten how much I idolize her. White Teeth was one of my favorite books from my English major experience, and so far it’s still holding up as one of my favorite books ever.
  • The Big Bang Theory. My brother surprised me today with the third season of BBT. Being in the fragile emotional state that I am, the gesture sent me to tears. Granted, he had a Best Buy certificate that expired today that he wanted to use, but still I appreciated the pseudo-gift. (I also have seasons one and four, now all I need is the second!) I’m starting to wonder if my emotional/mental issues stem from the fact that I feel unappreciated and nobody ever thinks to do something nice for me for once? And when you work both full-time and part-time jobs and nobody seems to consider that and nobody else seems to make an effort for you when you’re constantly reaching out to others…yeah, maybe those are my problems.

Not gonna lie, I’m slightly going through a Facebook withdrawal. But I told myself I’d stay off for at least a week, and the week mark doesn’t strike until Monday, and for a week I shall do it!

Putting some things back in order

A lot of progress today! Changed the navigation around on this new layout, and I think I’m pretty pleased with the end result. It’s like I’d almost forgotten how much fun it is to design (albeit mine are rather lame) layouts and code CSS. What you see here (above) is a photo I took last summer while flying over Aklan province in the Philippines. We were heading back to Manila from Boracay, and viewing a sunset while actually in the sky and up in the clouds was actually pretty awesome. I also updated pretty much all of the pages on this here blog, and when you consider that I only do that about every 1.5 years, I’d say tonight was quite productive. I don’t know how I used to do this all the time before when I was a student. You’d think that once I had no more homework to do for the rest of my life, I’d find more time to dedicate to this place…

In other news, I deactivated my Facebook account Monday morning. That means it’s been nearly 4 whole days since I last checked or interacted with anyone on Facebook. Reason why? I just didn’t feel like interacting with anyone anymore. A couple days ago I was very angry with a lot of people in my life, feeling abandoned and ill-used and all that. So I cut the cord. The feeling’s quite great, actually. I feel less chained to my phone now and to social media in general. Eventually I know I’ll make my way back, but in the meantime I think I’m going to enjoy this.

As for the health issue I mentioned previously, I’m starting to wonder if there’s nothing physically wrong with me at all, which is a good thing really, but in the end would also suck because then I feel like I’ve wasted everyone’s time and money. My EKG last Friday came out normal, my doctor said my blood test was normal, and today I went in to get a chest X-ray. If that turns out to be normal, well then I’m going to feel like I just cried ‘wolf’ or something. I have been having these chest pains, though, on and off for at least a year. I’m 22 years old, that can’t be normal. There just has to be something wrong with me.

I’m having difficulties

I’m seriously starting to believe I have some sort of anger issue(s). Issues that may require medication so that they don’t keep manifesting in these annoying bouts of ill health. Last Thursday I was having anxiety attacks and chest pains at work, and when I mentioned this to my parents they promptly flipped out and nearly dragged me to the ER. The next day, Friday—which was supposed to be the first day of my glorious 4-day Memorial Weekend staycation—my parents made me go to the doctor’s office, causing me to cancel all my exciting plans for the day (mainly, the beach!). We don’t know what’s wrong with me yet, or even if there is anything wrong with me (I’m really just convinced it’s all psychological), but my parents won’t rest until they’re certain. As for me…well I’m doing the best I can not to consume copious amounts of beer right now, because my mother is convinced my “alcoholic drinking” is the main cause for my health woes. (I swear I’m not an alcoholic. In fact I think I drink a perfectly normal amount for a 22-year-old who likes to party when she gets the chance.)

And what are the reasons for my incredibly foul, angry mood? There’s been some rather unsavory drama happening in my life. Long story short, I felt betrayed by a friend’s shady behavior, and what was once a schoolgirl crush has now quickly disappeared into thin air thanks to said shady behavior. Ugh, just thinking about the whole ordeal is making my blood boil again.

In other news, there’s a new theme up. Literally took me about three hours, probably the fastest I’ve ever whipped a layout into shape for this blog. But I really was just getting sick of the old one, and I’m determined to get the ball rolling again on this blogging thing. How I’m going to do that, I haven’t determined yet.

The thing is, times have changed. When I first blogged on the Internet, I was probably around 12 or 13 years old. No one knew who I was. I was just a kid writing random journal entries for strangers to see, first by hand, then with software like Graymatter, b2, yada yada (anyone remember those days?). I was always just a student ranting and raving about teenage life. If you go to my personal website, you’ll find content there that was written five, six years ago. Now I’m in my twenties and no longer a student. Social media has made it impossible to keep online and real-life identities separate. Many people in real life know I have a blog. And with my job, I understand now why it’s so important to keep the toes on the line when divulging personal details online. And it’s just irritating, because the Internet was supposed to be this vast place where I could carve out my own little corner and write about annoying troubles live was giving me.

OK, I’m not really sure where that rant was going. But blogging doesn’t seem to be as much fun as it used to. I haven’t decided whether to create an entirely new blog (along with a more carefully hidden online identity), but I don’t want to let go of this domain just yet. We’ll see.

We’ll see where this damn life takes me!

Here’s to the beginning of the rest of my life…

First of all, today this blog turns two years old. Feels strangely like a long time, although in the realm of things it isn’t anymore. I’ve been blogging since I was 11 or 12, so overall my words have been floating around out there on the Internet for over 10 years. Wowzer. At any rate, happy second anniversary, bumplum!

The Philippines was, for the most part, a blast. I met so many family members and went to so many places…and also ended up getting ridiculously sick. Muscle pains, backaches, fevers, headaches, upset stomachs, you name it. Everyone was convinced it was the change in climate and that I wasn’t used to the tropical weather (apparently the four months I spent in Central America didn’t mean a thing). To their credit, there were several bagyos and several low pressure storm systems that popped up, which I wasn’t used to in Costa Rica, so maybe they’re to blame? I also did a lot of shopping, watched a lot of TV (mainly basketball and teleseryes, thank god for BTV), and overall just relaxed. Oh, and returned to the gloriousness that is a tropical beach:


White Beach, Boracay Island

And glorious indeed. Boracay was every bit as gorgeous as advertised, just way more touristy than I anticipated. I felt almost exactly as if I were back at Playa Jaco or Playa Samara in Costa Rica…sans the insane partying and sexy Latin men, of course.

I also learned several very interesting things about my family:

  • My grandfather on my dad’s side died of a heart attack while he (my dad) was in college. Not only was he a Philippine soldier who served in World War II for the U.S. Army, he was going to study law afterward but decided to stay a soldier instead. That would have been two grandfather lawyers for me; no wonder my entire family believes I’m destined to become one.
  • My mother’s oldest sister, the aunt I never knew, had died from internal injuries sustained in a jeepney accident. Apparently my aunt, who was pregnant at the time, never sought treatment after the accident, and by the time she realized she was sick it was too late. It was the first time my mom told me the whole story. Oh, and guess what? She studied English literature in college!!!! No wonder my mother never made fun of me nor gave me crap about my English major like you would have expected an Asian mother to do…amazing. I feel even more closer now to my oldest aunt, who died before I was born and like me, was the oldest in the family.
  • My parents first met in Saudi Arabia. I always knew Saudi was a source of connection between my parents, but I didn’t know the whole story…and in fact, I’ve got a lot more family in Saudi Arabia than I first thought. Not only have my parents and some aunts lived there, my uncle and other aunts still do. It’s crazy. I’ve always been fascinated by Saudi Arabia, and now I’d like to go there someday. Are Americans allowed to travel there for tourist reasons? Must find this out.

At any rate, now I am home. No more vacations, no more dilly-dallying. I have graduated from college and moved back into my parents’ house. Most unfortunately, I am completely unemployed. I decided not to return to my old seasonal job, and have yet to line up my real first grown up one. I interviewed for a company before I left for the Philippines but they ended up rejecting me, which I wasn’t too sad about. So far I have yet to hear back from any of the jobs that I applied to before my vacation, and have now begun applying to more in earnest. I’m worried. Today I sent resumes online to three more places…and seriously, whoever said job hunting is a job in itself was right. I’m pooped. And still worried.

Let the realities of grown up-hood begin. 🙁

Same ol’, same ol’

I have pinkeye again. Yesterday it began with my left eye. I woke up with tiny bits of crust and it looked swollen and red in the mirror. Today I woke up with goo in my right eye, and lo and behold it was red as well. Luckily I still have my eye drops, and my left eye is less red today, but still. I have fucking pinkeye. Now I have to throw away my contacts and makeup again. And change my pillowcases (I should probably wash my blankets too…) and find ways to disinfect my room without having to run to the store to buy disinfectant stuff. Have I mentioned I am still incredibly unbelievably broke?

I’ve been able to make some extra cash with Demand Studios lately, but now that finals are coming up, I don’t have any more time to churn out articles. I don’t know how many other ways to say it, but I don’t have any freaking money. I am in debt. I owe people money. I have bills to pay.

My plans for after graduation are still fuzzy. If my internship is to continue through the summer, and I’d be getting paid for it, then I’d be staying in Champaign. Which means I’d have to find jobs I can start in for August or September. If I’m not working at my internship anymore after school, then I go back home and I’d have to find a job right away.

The point is, I have no money because school is taking up my time and taking my money (i.e. in form of tuition/bills/etcetera). Money money money! Fuck you!