I’ve come to the realization that I have a fear of not finishing projects. So much so that, most of the time I procrastinate on starting them. Case in point, my numerous to-do lists that end up collecting dust in my purse while I choose to spend my time instead watching basketball, eating, drinking, and laying in bed thinking about life.
Here’s just a small snippet of things I keep neglecting to do:
- Fix some toll violations the state of Illinois seems eager to bestow on me.
- Plan my upcoming London trip in March…a trip in which I appear to be indeed going solo.
- Put new pictures up in my room. Need to say good-bye to the 18-year-old college me and put up new visuals of the 20-something real-world me.
- Tell my parents I’m seeing someone. I’m not going to call him my boyfriend yet, but the fact that I’m even CONSIDERING telling my parents about him has to mean something. In fact, I just revealed it online, publicly. So yep, somewhat of a big deal.
- Throw out all the crap in my room. (A very general, continuous project, but an important one I keep needing to remind myself…)
- Write more shit to do on my to-do list because I’m sure I’m forgetting a lot.
I really hate that I seem to only find time to write in this blog when I’m hating life or bored with it. Because in fact, right now, I’m pretty darn OK with my life. There’s a lot of things I sway back and forth on, but the “problems” I have on my plate right now just pale in comparison to the drama and shit I was going through just two years ago.
Hmm. I know there was a lot more I wanted to write about. But now I can’t remember. >.<
So I am currently physically ill. As well as mentally deranged, emotionally fucked up. I’m even just too drained to be depressed about anything really. I’m just…floating by. With this dumb sore throat.
I missed both my classes today for various reasons. Thanks to last week’s historic snow day and a certain distraction over the weekend, I totally neglected my schoolwork and discovered only last night that I had another 2-page reaction paper due today. Which required about 60+ pages of reading. Didn’t also help that I had to go in to work last night. I ended up waking early today to do the paper, subsequently deciding to skip the class the paper was for entirely (it was due online at noon). I then fell asleep around 10 a.m. with the hopes that I would wake up in time for my 1 p.m. class. Didn’t happen. I woke up at 1:30.
Since then, I’ve been dallying around in my room (mostly on my bed), trying to do something productive but to no avail. My distraction (or should I say distractions?) is distracting me.
I don’t get why my love life always seems to be in full force during spring semesters. It was like this last year too, I swear. Anyway, long story short: I met a boy over the weekend and saw him everyday. He is, to be honest, perfect for me in many ways. But…he is not The Boy. And dumb me, The Boy is still stuck in the back of my mind. So much so that my roommate has forced me to text The Boy to see him in person and decide for myself whether it’s truly over or not so that I can move on with this new boy.
Doesn’t help that I’ve developed a small fever, sore throat and fatigue. And that I have a take-home exam and short paper due this week. As well as work. Bahh.
I love my parents. I really do. But sometimes…it’s hard. I don’t know if it’s the immigrant thing or the complete technologically illiterate thing or the really-really-bad at money thing. A lot of people credit their upbringing and values and such to the hard work of their parents, but I can’t say I’m one of those people.
I value my parents for putting a roof over my head and for appreciating my accomplishments. And for little things like teaching me how to do laundry or drive. But I never want to become like my parents. They never really taught me things I’m passionate about like racial equality or sympathy for those less fortunate (both economically, mentally, socially, etc.) than me. They never saved money up for college for me, which I blame now for my current woes. My parents certainly didn’t teach me the value of money, something I observed throughout my years of growing up as their debts mounted and mounted. And now their habits are affecting me; for example, I have only 2 credit cards to my name, one of which my mother claims responsibility for. But when she doesn’t make the payments on time (because she doesn’t know how to do online payments so she sends checks in through snail mail), it makes ME look bad because the credit is under my name and thus my credit rating lowers. It fucks me over. I don’t want to inherit my parents’ fucked-up money ways and terrible credit scores but it seems like it’s already too late for me.
Communication with my parents is also quite the roadblock. And I don’t think I’ve ever admitted that before, to anyone else nor to even myself. Their first language is Tagalog; mine is English. Their English is sufficient enough to get them by in this country; my Tagalog is pitiful. I’m an English major, so I like to say that I have a pretty damn good grasp of the language. And when my parents’ English and my own English don’t mesh, it annoys me. To the point where I’m bitchy and hostile to them because they can’t understand what I’m trying to say.
And I don’t know what’s in store for me in the future anymore. I’m supposed to graduate in May, but I’m not still not registered for classes nor have I applied for graduation. I checked the schedules today for the very first time, and the two absolutely core classes I need to take (one last English class and one last Gen Ed) are still open. But none of the classes I need to take for my Global Studies minor are available (plus the offerings for next semester aren’t even that great). So while I can still graduate on time with every requirement fulfilled for my English major and Spanish minor and Gen Eds, I may have to forgo that second minor. Which I don’t want to do. Because I love the minor and all the classes I’ve had to take so far for it. Because having “Global Studies” on my resume will make the “English, Spanish” part more interesting. Because I would very much like to work in an international/global capacity in the future and I think fulfilling a substantial amount of coursework in that field will be useful and make me look better (because in all honesty, I have nothing else about me to sell).
Don’t even ask me what my plans are after May.
And at the end of the day, I know that 90% of my current problems are my own fault. Thanks to my procrastination, the fact that I’m currently living in a foreign country, my own indifference to life after Costa Rica.
When will I ever learn?
Funny how I only ever take the time to write in here whenever, for a variety of reasons, my life just absolutely sucks.
And it’s mostly my own fault. I stopped caring about certain things, stopped trying, and just procrastinated procrastinated procrastinated. And because of that, I’m slacking on my school and my work. I don’t know why I can’t bear to care anymore. I’ve had quite a few distractions, admittedly, but I don’t want to be one of those people who use their personal lives as excuses. But here I am, doing so.
My distractions have been both good and bad. Actually, it’s really the good that has been distracting me the most, nicely consuming my time and thoughts. The bad, which only erupted in my face rather recently, has given me motivation to stop slacking, because it seems that reading for class and doing work is a pretty good distraction from the bad.
It’s like once something good in life happened, something bad had to follow to keep everything in balance. Which, seriously, gives one reason to pause and think, “What the fuck?”
Anyone ever get that feeling where you know you have a shitload of items on your To Do list, but you have no idea where to start? More importantly, you can’t even accomplish some of the stuff on that list in the first place without other extraneous factors getting in the way?
My To Do list has become quite extensive. It’s even branched off into other secondary lists. But the frustrating part is that I haven’t been able to cross a single thing off all day. For one thing, I don’t know where to start. Or rather, I can’t decide on where to start. For another, a lot of the things on my list depend on things such as location hours of the places I need to go, the weather (the fact that it’s 90 degrees outside is not making me rush to leave this apartment), and people calling me back (which none have done, sadly enough).
Literally, right now I’m pacing back and forth in this apartment thinking of what to do first. What to do about the items I’m not sure I can do on time. Once again, I’ve put myself into positions that could easily have been avoided, but me and my silly self could not avoid them.
This is not the great start to summer that I had envisioned. Fuck.