My life right now in five bullet points

Lists are fucking everywhere these days. Buzzfeed, Huffington Post, everywhere. They’re getting quite annoying. And headlines these days! Everything’s gotta be composed of “10 Things That Will Blow Your Mind” or something similar. I’m over it, people. Please stop posting them all over my News Feed.

Anyway, to be a complete hypocrite I’m going to compose a list of my own here. Pardon me.

  • I have no money. It’s really starting to feel like it. I don’t know how this came about. I blame my family, I blame the world, I blame myself. Bills, loans, car payments, etc. Believe me when I say I’m pretty sure I’ve gotten most of my spending under control. I don’t shop anymore. I try limiting my expenditures when I go out, ever since I blew $120 in one night at American Junkie. But alas I still feel like I’m drowning.
  • I’m getting quite obsessed with Iggy Azalea. I don’t know why she fascinates me so much. Maybe it’s the Australian thing. Her voice can get a little annoying, but I love the way she says “I hate you so much” on “Black Widow.”
  • I’m rereading Bridget Jones’s Diary for the umpteenth time, just because. One of my co-workers teasingly joked that women only read it when they’re depressed though. Huh.
  • But I’m not bored. A couple of months ago I felt like my life was in despair, empty and hollow. Now I’ve replaced it with alcohol and random shenanigans with people. Because of that, I haven’t been able to work on my list of “Life Things to Work On” (a list name I just came up with right now). Kind of feeling in despair over that, but at least I’m having fun. Over the next week I have the following: overdue reunion with my old college roommate who’s just returned from Israel, girls night out planned for in the city on Saturday, HOPEFULLY seeing J. Cole on Monday for his Dollar and a Dream 2014 tour (for ya’ll who don’t know, they’re $1 shows at an undisclosed location, first come first served…so gonna have to get with it on Monday!), actually seeing Beyoncé and Jay Z (meaning I’ve got tickets) at Soldier Field next Thursday, and then flying off to Baltimore to visit my other old college roommate. WHEW.
  • Too lazy to come up with a fifth bullet point. I’m done.

Good night.

So this is what it means to be a grown-up

When I was in high school, I realized I had OCD. Or at the very least, serious OCD tendencies. I had to have control over everything. Every object that would reside in my room, my websites, my hobbies, my entire life. But the more I think about it, that was likely because my life back then was very small. Sheltered. There wasn’t much to work with.

Fast forward to today. I am a college graduate, I’m working full-time and part-time, and I’m living at home with my family. My brothers are no longer little kids I can boss around and control. My room is exploding with 4 years of college momentos and travel souvenirs and endless rounds of shopping sprees (which I can’t help but continue to do because A) I have money now, and B) I need more work-appropriate outfits!). Funny thing is, ever since Costa Rica I’ve tried to become incredibly conservative when it comes to material things. I learned that I really don’t need a lot of things to live contentedly. But here, in America, you just can’t do that. That’s the American dream — to make money and be greedy and buy all the pointless shit you want. Anyway, I feel I have too many material things (and really, I don’t, compared to a lot of other people I know). And I don’t know what to do with them. I was trying to clean out my closet and I just stared at the piles of T-shirts and hoodies that sit gathering dust now that I wear business casual basically day in and day out. They’re not being used. And I just feel incredibly guilty that they are taking up space in my room. And it’s bothering me. I don’t know how to get this feeling out of my system because it’s seriously depressing my mood.

Not only that, it appears I don’t have any time to do any real life cleaning like I’ve been meaning to do for the past year. Because I just have too much junk in my room and no real idea of what to do with them. I don’t know if I’m expressing myself correctly. All I know is that there’s so much I want to clean and organize in my life and I don’t know where to bloody start.

The male species can suck it

I didn’t like Lil Wayne much before, but I’m definitely one of those girls who swears this song was written about them. It’s like every word is dripping with all the pathetic tales of my sad love life. Until last weekend, I thought I was just always running into bad luck when it came to boys. Now, I’m pretty sure I’m fucking cursed.

Last Friday, as I mentioned, I went clubbing with a friend. At this club, my friend had invited her new boy toy, who of course had in turn brought along his friends. Only two of those friends are relevant: K, a white boy who had expressed interest in me to his friend and my friend; and B, an Hispanic boy who I didn’t care much for at first, but when K turned out to be a dud I ended up telling everyone B was more my type and somehow people thought that meant I wanted B instead (which, okay, was true, but totally not what I had told my friend).

At any rate, at the end of the night I was somehow delegated the task of driving everyone (me, my friend, her boy toy and his friends) home. I ended up dropping K and B off at K’s house, where I assumed they were gonna go smoke up. K didn’t bother to say good-bye to me (nor thank you, wtf!), which I guess is because I’d basically rejected him. B asked for my number, asked what I was doing the next day, gave me a hug several times, and actually ended up giving me a kiss.

Now, fast forward to yesterday. My friend and I happen to work together now (at the retail job I’d gotten last month), and when she told me her boy toy was coming to the mall to visit, I of course asked if he would be bringing any friends with him. She raised her eyebrows and was like, “You want to see B again don’t you?” “Duh.” “I think he has a girlfriend.” … “WHAT?!”

Apparently, my friend had asked B on Friday at the club if he had a girlfriend, and he responded, after hesitating, with an affirmative, and her new boy toy even drunkenly semi-confirmed it (I don’t know why these boys can’t just fucking come right out and say it). Now, I really don’t care what happens at this point between B and I, but this just absolutely, positively confirms the fact that I am fucking cursed. I am always, always the other bloody woman. (Remember the married Costa Rican DJ?)

I am never ever the girl in chick flicks who ends up with the boy of her dreams at the end! I am never the nice girl who gets left out in the cold because nobody thinks she’s cute enough! I am just the slutty ho men want to play around with because they think that’s all she’s good for! And no, I am not purposely going around acting like a slutty ho, I’m really trying to portray myself as a classy-yet-badass-y kind of girl. What the fuck!!

Here is the count:

  • Number of boys I’ve dealt with who turned out to have girlfriends at the time: approximately 3 (that I know of for sure…I’m pretty sure there’s more I’ve forgotten)
  • Number of married men I’ve dealt with: technically 1, 2 really, and there’s a third I don’t know whether to count or not
  • Number of boys who ended up finding girlfriends after me: 3 (again, I stress that these are estimates)
  • Number of times I got fucked over in the end, and not in the good way: infinite

Let’s keep in mind that these are all individuals that I’ve managed to remember in my head. The actual numbers may, I fear, be higher.

Somebody finally believes in me!

After 3 months of lazying around, doing absolutely nothing but eat food, sleep, and watch a shitload of TV all day, my life is about to get real hectic again. I’m trying to remember what it was like earlier this year, when I had a full 18-hour courseload, a part-time night job, and an internship, because that’s the mindset I’m going to need to be in again in a few weeks. And it’s funny, because there I was a few days ago, feeling sad that the beginning of the school year was coming up and yet I didn’t have to get ready for it anymore. At any rate, the reason why I need to put on my workaholic gameface on again is because I was offered a paid editorial internship! A real, legit adult full-time grown-up job (well, not permanent job, obviously). After months of dead-end interviews and absolutely near-zero callbacks, I finally caught a break. Although I’ve been looking for more permanent employment, there’s always a possibility this could lead to that. Anyway, I absolutely loved talking to everyone I met during my interviews, and I’m so happy they liked me too, so it’s all very much an improvement over being completely unemployed.

There was a little snafu, however, when I announced the news to my parents. Though they knew I was interviewing for something, their reaction to my getting an offer was more or less along the lines of, “Well, it’s better than nothing.” At that point, I kind of blew up at them. There was no “Congratulations!”, nothing. I was beyond pissed and gave my parents an earful. You see, my mother has been on my case lately about finding a job (and a “real” job too, she’s so dismissive of the retail job I was recently hired for) and basically last week told me to go to law school or else. She’s even told others that I’m pretty much doing nothing with my life and can’t seem to find a regular job (again, she doesn’t consider my retail job a real job) on my own. She’s also been pressuring me to call the son of one of her mahjong buddies and ask what his office is currently hiring. And then, when I finally achieve something (on my own) and get an offer to work at something I’ve been working toward for 2 years now, she just goes, “Well, it’s better than nothing.” And I know why. It’s because I haven’t decided yet on whether to go to law school. I wonder if anything else would please her. The funny thing is, I actually would like to become a lawyer someday, but the more she and my aunt tells me to do it, the more I don’t want to. It all seriously infuriates me, and even though we’re on speaking terms again every time I think about my career choices and her fucking reaction I want to yell some more.

Anyway, this means I’ll be working both full-time and part-time soon; during the day at my internship, and during the nights and weekends at my retail job. I wonder how my body will handle this. More importantly, I wonder how awesome my wallet is going to feel from now on?!

I might just be going insane

This winter break is seriously driving me bananas.

Is it wrong and incredibly selfish of me to feel irritated that a select few “friends” of mine have made very little effort (actually, none at all) to see me so far? I’ve been home 3 weeks now and I’m starting to feel like I’m wasting my life away because I’VE DONE ALMOST ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. I don’t have any friends left in this town, and my “college” friends are scattered far and wide around the Chicago area. I’m seriously going to rot in this joint.

I’ll be perfectly honest. If I don’t ever go back to Champaign, I think I’ll be fine. In my head, I’m done with college. I’m over it. There’s no point in going back for one semester to see people I’ll never see again because obviously I’m not worth the effort to them.

It’s funny. Like I said, I’ve been home 3 weeks and haven’t really done anything but already I’m in need of another getaway.

I think I’m ready to go back to Costa Rica now! If only.