Burying myself in distractions

The chest X-ray came back normal. So then why did I feel chest pains again tonight? Why does my breathing always feel so heavy and labored? What if my heart just fails on me and it’s because I had some deformity nobody thought to discover? (This is what happens when you work for a trade magazine for cardiologists, you get way too paranoid about your heart.) Why has my mood not improved yet? Why is it such a struggle to stay positive about anything anymore? When am I ever going to get out of this stupid little episode of misanthropic depression?

There are only a select few things that are keeping me sane right now:

  • NBA playoffs. I’m rooting for the San Antonio Spurs to go all the way. Seriously, just hand the trophy to them once they take care of the Oklahoma City Thunder in the Western Conference finals. Nobody cares about Miami or Boston anymore.
  • White Sox. My boys in baseball won their ninth game in a row tonight. Lovin’ it, lovin’ it! Plus everybody’s still talking about Hawk Harrelson going off on Mark Wegner.
  • Re-reading White Teeth by Zadie Smith. First read this for a class in college, decided it was time to tackle it again. I’d forgotten how funny and witty Smith is. In fact, I’d forgotten how much I idolize her. White Teeth was one of my favorite books from my English major experience, and so far it’s still holding up as one of my favorite books ever.
  • The Big Bang Theory. My brother surprised me today with the third season of BBT. Being in the fragile emotional state that I am, the gesture sent me to tears. Granted, he had a Best Buy certificate that expired today that he wanted to use, but still I appreciated the pseudo-gift. (I also have seasons one and four, now all I need is the second!) I’m starting to wonder if my emotional/mental issues stem from the fact that I feel unappreciated and nobody ever thinks to do something nice for me for once? And when you work both full-time and part-time jobs and nobody seems to consider that and nobody else seems to make an effort for you when you’re constantly reaching out to others…yeah, maybe those are my problems.

Not gonna lie, I’m slightly going through a Facebook withdrawal. But I told myself I’d stay off for at least a week, and the week mark doesn’t strike until Monday, and for a week I shall do it!

Things everyone is talking about that I want to weigh in on too

I’m still alive and well and kickin’, hooray. Here’s some (OK, two) bullets.

  • I just watched the Grammys for perhaps the first time in years. I normally don’t give a damn about awards ceremonies (except for maybe the ESPYs, haha) unless someone I love dearly is up for an award (such as Colin Firth last year winning the Best Actor Oscar), but I felt compelled to tonight due to the recent death of Whitney Houston, which I’m sure everyone who is aware of some piece of pop culture has heard by now. And also because I wanted to see Adele since she is after all my ultimate homegirl. Anyway, I’m quite sad to hear of Whitney’s passing. Growing up in the ’90s, there’s no way you couldn’t be jamming (or crying) to her songs at some point in life. May she rest in peace.
  • And the biggest news right now in the NBA is Jeremy Lin. I first heard of the kid last year when ESPN ran an article about him on the Golden State Warriors being, you know, the first Taiwanese-American player in the NBA. Now he’s on the Knicks and racking up points and headlines and doing things like outscoring Kobe on Friday with 38 points. I’m happy for the guy…but I definitely can’t identify with him as an Asian American. As my brother says, “I wish he were more thuggish and not the stereotypical quiet Asian guy.”

I’m finding things to do

So I think I almost have my groove back. Friday night I went out in the city with friends. Ended up not getting home until six in the morning. Legit showed up to work at my retail job in the same tights and skirt I was wearing the night before. People were commenting on how nice I looked, and inside I just felt gross and hungover. I felt young again! Figuratively speaking, of course.

In other news, the first two weeks of the NBA regular season has been cancelled. Now, people keep pointing out to me that this doesn’t necessarily mean it’s all over, but I’m pretty sure at this point the entire season is kaput. And I know it sounds silly and trivial to you people who don’t watch sports or care or whatever, but I am literally sobbing inside. I have no idea what I’m going to do without the NBA for a whole year. And I can’t bring myself to give two shits about NFL football. I really can’t. I mean, I watch the games occasionally and read the headlines on ESPN.com and all…but as much as I try, I just don’t really care. Nothing excites me and gets to me the same way basketball does.

Lately I’ve been reading the Southern Vampire Mysteries, which is the book series True Blood is based on. I don’t know whether to say it is better or not than the show. The writing is 50/50—there’s a lot of cute funny quotes, but sometimes the pop culture references and mundane details annoy me. Charlaine Harris sure knows how to write those male characters though. Eric, Alcide…I don’t know which I’d rather do. And how the hell is it that Sookie has like 10 times more suitors in the books than in the series? Woman’s got men knocking down her door every minute! I wish my life was as exciting. Minus the blood and vampire part.

Rolling with the big boys now

I’ve spent a majority of the day today trying desperately to reorganize my room. I just simply have way too much stuff. And unlike previous summers, where I was planning on only living at home for a couple months, I need to find room for it all on a more permanent basis. But alas, this entire house is a mess and filled to the brim with junk. I need a desk, I need workspace, I need room for storage. As to how I’m going to find that here at home, I don’t know. And considering my current lack of employment and poor financial state, the option “move out” isn’t quite available yet.

I have way too many books
There’s a problem…I have way too many books

Last Friday I finally managed to be social and went out with friends. Derrick Rose was due to make an appearance at a nightclub in Chicago, so we scrounged up the money and went. It was crowded and packed, and I only saw very few glimpses of the boy and other NBA players (mostly through my camera) but nevertheless it was a fun time. I will say, though, that it had been a long time since I’d felt so…young. You see, by the end of my senior year in college, I had taken over my college town. I regularly cut lines at the bars, knew the bouncers, befriended managers, got cheap drinks, knew people already out partying. Things were comfortable, and my ego was at an all-time high. Even in Costa Rica, I had managed to paint the country red multiple times and befriended numerous people. But at the club on Friday, I felt like a little girl playing dress up. The DJ was doing shout-outs, saying things like, “Where all the single ladies at? Where all the college educated ladies at? Where all the ladies with no babies?” I cheered excitedly, of course, but then my friends and I just had to grin sheepishly when he started saying things like, “Raise your hands if you employed! Raise your hands if you just got paid! Raise your hands if you’re over 24! Raise your hands if you got more than $100 in your pocket!” I don’t do designers, I don’t roll around with $100 bills in my pocket. Guess we’re just not there yet.

Derrick freaking Rose
Derrick freaking Rose

Friday night also marked my first time in the city as a college graduate (lame milestone, I know). One man actually swooped in and put his arms around my waist by the end of the night. I was so confused at first, it took me a while to realize that he was shamelessly hitting on me. I was so taken aback when he kept asking “What do I need to do to take you out to lunch or something?” I mean, in college, guys are all, “What’s yo’ number? Let’s hang.” This dude had two phones on him (“One for work”) and was begging to have dinner with me. And when he found out I was only 21, he looked slightly apprehensive but pressed on nevertheless. I never responded to his text yesterday though.

Then Sunday I went to the Gay Pride Parade in Chicago. It was a day full of merriment, dancing and drinking. At one point we were chilling in a Jewel Osco parking lot with our booze when a female employee approached me. At first I thought she was about to tell us off but instead she hands me a piece of paper. Since I was at Pride, I instinctively thought it’d be her number or something (definitely would not have been the first time a lesbian’s given me digits). Then I opened the piece of paper and it was a message from some guy: “You’re stunning. Contact me? Steve.” Apparently though, Steve was a creepo in glasses, who didn’t even leave me a phone number but an AOL email address instead.

There surely has to be better prospects somewhere in this state!