It struck me today just how extremely fleeting and yet profound the act of “growing up” actually is. I first registered this domain name back in 2009, right before my junior year of college. I’d been dreaming of having my own domain way before that. This June will mark the blog’s seventh year, and it’s occurring to me that it’s time I ought to create an “Adult” or “Post-College” category for this latest phase in my life. I’m no longer in a four-bedroom apartment on a college campus, or dependent on my parents’ resources, or lamenting over my lack of a proper love life (although, from time to time, yes I still do that). I’m living in the city on my own, and it’s a Friday night and I’ve nothing to do but live my life the way I want to. No homework, no stress, no impending sense of doom that graduation was going to come and hit me straight in the eye and I wasn’t going to know what to do.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I’ve finally come to a point where I can safely say that I “made it.” It’s just now I’m also like…”Now what?”
Life is strange. So very very strange.
(Oh…and in case you didn’t notice…I did create a new category of posts, the aptly-named “Adulting.” Welcome to its first post!)
Mixed emotions about things right now. Life is exciting, but at the same time it is kind of just barely afloat. An “exciting” thing is happening to me (or rather, my nonexistent love life), per the opinion of my girl friends, but I am feeling incredibly apprehensive about it I’m surprised I haven’t vomited my anxiety out yet.
The quarter-life crisis has waned a little since my moment of panic in May. But at the same time I think it’s just been abated due to the hectic craziness that is summer. After all, what is going to happen when all the kiddos go back to school and it’s too cold to be doing things outdoors? (Although, come to think of it, it’s been bloody cold [relatively speaking] all summer in Chicago, fuck you January polar vortex) I’m just going to have to re-face the reality that is my current twentysomething state: stuck in a job that I love but does not pay enough, stuck in a house with a family that I love but is driving me crazy, stuck in a town with people and things that I love and are familiar with but at the same time feeling jaded. Huh.
To make matters worse, my 25th birthday is coming up. That’s my golden birthday, mind you. I don’t know how to feel about it. I don’t like setting high expectations for things because ultimately in the end they are never reached, but at the same time I don’t want to be feeling so depressed on my golden birthday. I guess I’m just sad because I know this birthday won’t be like my last one. Maybe it’ll be fun (I’ve plans to go paintballing [!] and attending Chicago Comic Con [!!]) but it will most definitely not be the same because my last birthday was the only birthday I got to spend with a certain someone. And this year I will certainly feel the heavy weight of his absence from my life. Gahh.
The following is a blog entry I started in mid-April…the draft’s been sitting in the queue for a while, so I thought I’d finish it before going on to the real juicy stuff you’ll soon see at the end:
So you know how in my last post I didn’t have any travel plans yet for 2014? Yeah, about a week after that I ended up booking a trip to Puerto Rico with my boyfriend and a couple of our friends. Then a month after that we set off for the commonwealth.
It was a grand ol’ time — went to the beach, rode ATVs, hiked through a rainforest, fought quite a few times Jersey Shore-style, got bit up ridiculously by who knows what kind of bugs, and made friends with a few iguanas.
I also completely blew through my money. After spending so much for my cousin’s wedding in January, I swore to be more frugal. Yeah, that went down the drain when I spent a week on vacation in March and also had to give my mom money for the Philippines when she had to go home a couple months ago for my grandfather’s funeral (he died late February).
The other big reason I’ve blown through my cash? Well in Puerto Rico we stayed at the Gran Meliá resort, where I had some of the best sleep of my life. It may be that my regular bed at home was just that shitty (it’s more than 20 years old, used to belong to my aunt, and was constantly giving me back pains), or the beds at the resort were just that great. But anyway, after returning home the crappy sleep I was having again seemed crappier than before. So I dragged my mom to the mall and went mattress shopping. There I made my first real big girl purchase (since my car in 2011 at least) — a full-sized “plush” mattress complete with a pillowtop!
It was a real impulse buy by my standards; I totally went into the store not knowing what the heck to look for or what my budget was. With discounts and everything the mattress came to around $850 that I am now paying off monthly. How has it been so far? Well the first couple of nights were magical. I slept like a baby and woke up not feeling sore at all! Moreover, I was able to actually jump out of bed like a normal human being instead of wallowing around with my face in the pillows hitting snooze after snooze. But alas, a month has now passed and I’m back to my lazy ways where it takes one-plus hour for me to get out of bed in the mornings. Perhaps I’m doomed that way.
Now for the real news. Why is it big important stuff? Well because as I previously mentioned, the grand vacation I took to Puerto Rico a couple months ago was with someone I called my boyfriend. And well, now, he’s not anymore. Yes that’s right ladies and gentleman — I got dumped. My heart broken. Whatever you call it. Not to get all emotional here, but since it’s been only one week since said dumping, my mind is still in a bit of a shamble. I guess you can say I really am growing up. Now I’ve got my first real grown-up breakup under my belt. Not sure it’s one of those things I’m proud of. But that is the numero uno cosa on my mind today.
I went on a Groupon-searching spree tonight. I never had much interest in the site until recently, and today I went digging for…facial and massage services. I know, it’s not that big a deal, but as someone who’d always prided herself on NOT needing “that fancy crap” I’m slowly eating my words now. I haven’t bought any Groupons yet, but there’s a couple of nice $35 deals I have my eyes on that I will likely buy come Friday. I’m trying really hard to keep my body in better shape and condition (not just fitness-wise, but healthy-wise mentally and physically and all that jazz), so I’ll just have to suck it up and start going to these things like a normal grown woman should.
Other signs I’m getting old? Well today I started really planning out my London trip—namely, looking for places to stay. I found a nice chain of hostels and have been debating between staying in the more “party” hostel or the quieter female-only one. Oh, what the heck, I’m not really debating because I’m pretty sure I’m going to go with female-only hostel. It just sounds safer, and since I will likely be sojourning solo, safer sounds a lot better than more fun. Scary thing is, I know the me from 2.5 years ago would be like, “What are you THINKIN’?!” and the present me just wants to flick her off. I don’t want to end up like those girls in Taken-esque movies!
Sign #3 I’m getting old: I started browsing Macys.com for bridesmaids dresses. My cousin is getting married in a year, and she put me in semi-charge. So I did my duty tonight and started browsing. I’m practically salivating at the sight of so many pretty dresses. I hope more of my friends start getting married soon because this is fun!
Sometimes I think I’m so ready to be an adult. Have a job, make money, and not be restrained back by school or homework or assignments. Then there are times, like today, where I want to crawl back to college because I had friends there and ruled the town and didn’t really care much about impressing my superiors or hoping that I really really don’t fuck up at my jobs. (For the most part. I mean, obviously I cared in school, otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to get my degree.)
I have worked nearly 47 hours in the past seven days in entirely new jobs. And in-between all that I managed to drive down to Champaign for a night and got crazy with the roommates (er, ex-roommates I should say, I guess). I even finished reading Love in the Time of Cholera by Gabriel García Márquez, which I started over a year-and-a-half ago. I feel so grown up! I’m reading for fun, I’m being social, I’m working. Like an adult. But along with that I’m starting to fret over my student loans, paying credit card bills, and finding money for a revamped work wardrobe (that’s another thing…in college all I wore was sweats and t-shirts…or slutty club tops). I miss being innocent and naive about things. I miss having my friends within a 2-mile radius of me, instead of all over the world. Oh well.
On a less whiny note, the first day of my internship today went pretty well. It’s just always awkward being new anywhere, I guess. And seriously, it’s the story of my life and one of the reasons why I hate my birthday. My first day of high school was on my birthday (did I mention I went from a small private grade school to a large public high school where I knew about 0.2% of the population?). Hell, I spent my birthday last year in a foreign country where at the time I knew next to no one. And now I’ve started two brand new jobs where I’m the new kid who doesn’t know anything and is worried about making good impressions.
Ack, okay, okay. I’m going to stop whining and acting like my life is so terrible. Because it really isn’t. Actually, I’m quite content. I’m employed, my home life has been relatively calm this whole summer, and I go out to the city every weekend with friends I’ve managed to surround myself with again. You know that song “Good Life” by OneRepublic? It’s currently my song of the moment, because I’m definitely feeling the message: This could really be a good life.
And while I’m talking about music I’m currently listening to, I must talk about this song:
I freaking love Miguel. He just sounds so soulful and quirky at the same time. Plus in this song he talks about speaking Spanish but then “accidentally” sings in Portuguese instead. You can’t get any more awesome than that.