Back from the dead (my laptop, that is)

I’m not really quite sure how to describe the past few months of my life. Certainly there have been a lot of ups and downs. Overwhelming whirlwinds. A roller coaster of emotions, experiences, and everything else. You get the gist. Since I last blogged, I:

  • Turned 24. Made my boyfriend take me to Navy Pier, friends came out to celebrate, family took me to Joe’s Crab Shack like I requested. It was a good birthday overall. (Do I sound spoiled and like a princess there? Oh dear…)
  • Had a lot of things happen at work. Not sure how to phrase them, but August and September were crazy months at the office. I was in and out for a variety of reasons, projects piled on like crazy, and the stress became so overwhelming in the weeks before my Eurotrip. At a tradeshow in Chicago literally the week before I flew out, the AC adapter for my laptop frizzed out. My laptop became unusable since it’s nearly four years old and the battery has degenerated into a piece of shit. In fact, today was the day a new adapter arrived and I’m actually typing on my computer for the first time in a month (in fact, it’s largely a reason why I hadn’t blogged since August). I had waited until coming back from my trip to order a new one, since what would have been the point to order it and have it arrive when I wasn’t even home?
  • Speaking of, I went on a Eurotrip. In the grand scheme of things, it was an amazing time. However, I will admit that every day was a struggle. There were a few days that I felt extremely low. So much so, I had a profound breakdown at the airport in Casablanca, Morocco. Couldn’t stop crying for about a good 12 hours. But no, I can not say that it was a terrible experience. It was something I’m glad I did in the end. After all, how often do you get photo opps like this one?

    A neat view of the Eiffel Tower

    I will have to go into detail about my two weeks traveling through Europe another time. You’re probably wondering what the hell was wrong with me and why was I crying for 12 hours at the airport. Actually, I’m still wondering that too.

  • Came home from Europe to find a life full of…nothing. No friends, no plans, no real activity. Just a boyfriend who works undesirable hours because of his job (police officer) and therefore have been unable to hang out with him as much as I would like. I think this is the bullet that is making me feel rather low again. As much as I love (yikes, I just said that out loud here) my man, a girl needs girl friends. And right now I am feeling rather lacking of such things. I can’t be venting mundane womanly items to him all the time. That’s just cruel.

Life is about to get incredib-effing-ly busy

If 2012 was a year in which nothing truly remarkable happened—I continued working two jobs, living at home, hanging out with friends—then 2013 is about to become the exact opposite.

March 2013 in particular. I’ve already established that I’m going on a 5-day solo trip to London, with a quick St. Patrick’s Day stop in Ireland. My parents recently announced that we’re moving from this house to another one in town, with plans to rent it for at least the next two years until my youngest brother graduates high school. Then, they will look into moving out west—more specifically, Las Vegas or somewhere in California. Talk about big moves. As for me, I’m not quite sure what I’ll be doing in two years, but at the moment I’m focused on the next two weeks, in which not only will I have to continue working my two jobs while packing for my trip, but also packing up my entire life (I mean, bedroom) for this new house. Yikes. According to my dad, we can start moving our stuff there next week but we won’t be actually living in there until April 1.

Which leaves me to this next bit. While packing up stuff I found a couple of my old journals from high school. Read through one from 2006, the year I was 16 and a junior in high school. It’s a strange thing, encountering a previous incarnation of yourself. It’s like…you can still feel every morsel of pain and teenage angst that that person was going through, but at the same time you want to show her the light at the end of the tunnel. What was I like at 16? Well according to my journal—and let’s remember here, I seem to be the type of person who only writes when angry and alone and confused—I was a very angry and alone and confused girl at 16. Not many friends, no boyfriend, nothing exciting going on.

Seven years later, here I am at 23. What’s changed? I noticed that for the most part, the fuel to my fire in high school was the tension with my dad. Back then, he would never let me go out. Like, ever. Pretty much every other entry consisted of me crying about how I was trapped in this house with no life and no prospects. But to say my dad has lightened up now would be an understatement—he no longer calls me at 11 in the evening on a Saturday night, demanding I be home within the hour. No questions asked if I say I’m sleeping over somewhere (although only God knows what he’d say if he found out I’ve been sleeping over at a boy’s house as of late). It’s funny how things magically change when you turn 21 and have a car, a full-time job, and a college degree.

But the part that slightly concerns me was, and still is, my anger. A lot of entries began with “Am so depressed” or “I’m so fucking furious” or something along those lines. The scary part is, I know I still feel those emotions today. Sometimes I wonder if I do have a serious problem. Even my newly minted boyfriend (still feels really weird to say that!) has pointed out I have a lot of passionate anger bottled up inside. Hell, I even had a Xanga username once that was called savetherage. I know I get feisty and mad a lot. But I like to think I’ve done a magnificent job not letting it overcome my life. I have passions. A lot of those journal entries also consisted of me writing to do lists and declarations that “I will be productive with my life today.”

And that’s just who I am. I’ve learned that I need to constantly feel busy and productive with my life. I don’t like feeling useless. My life is so filled with activity now, with jobs and friends and hobbies and trips. While I tend to whine a lot, I know that in the past near 2 years since I’ve graduated college, life’s been a lot easier since those hellish high school days.

October has not been my month

It just really hasn’t.

  1. So I’d been trying to buy cheap tickets to my alma mater’s homecoming football game coming up on the 27th, and my college was offering them at decent prices. However, when I finally registered for their event, I was put on a wait list for football tickets. Sigh, OK, that’s what I got for procrastinating. Not wanting to see if I would eventually get off that list or not, I finally bought football tickets last night through the athletics’ site. Not that big of a price difference, so I felt OK. However, today, my college called me to say they had tickets for me! And so I had to turn that down. That’s $25+ I could have saved right there. #facepalm
  2. I accidentally ran a red light last Friday. I’ve semi-run red lights before, where they turned red as I was speeding towards the yellow, but last Friday I legit just went through a solid red light. I swear it was an accident! Granted, I was transporting 4 of my girlfriends, who were already buzzing off alcohol, and blaring Spice Girls in my car, so it’s fair to say I was easily distracted. But all I remember is looking at the driver next to me, who looked like she was grimacing in a pretty funny way. I was about to mention this to my friends when I saw a green come on in the corner of my eye. My friends said something, and I started easing onto the pedal. Then someone said, “Uhh, where are you going?” and I realized I was about to drift through a solid red light! The green that I saw was from the light of the street that was crossing the one we were on! And like the idiot that I was, I decided to hell with it and continued on through. I really hope there were no cameras there. And I seriously half thought I was going to be pulled over at any second. And thank goodness there was no traffic coming through that crossing street!
  3. The office manager at my retail job yelled at me last Saturday. And she didn’t just yell. She barked. At me. In public. In front of customers. Even as I tried in vain to defend myself (she completely accused me of slacking off and not doing my job when I had legitimate reasons for doing what I was doing at the time) she barked mean things at me. Now, I don’t heavily dislike this manager. I know she’s known for being tough—a barker. But she had no right to basically put me down in public and claim that I don’t know what I’m doing and that I need to do my job properly. I almost teared. That’s the worst part. I almost cried! I was so insulted, I was ready to turn in my two weeks’ notice and be like, “Bitches, I have a real job, I don’t need your bullshit!” But then the office manager came back up to me an hour later and apologized. She knew she assumed wrong and she knew that I know how to do my job and I do a good job of it. So I didn’t quit. But damn, if ever I need a reason to get rid of my part-time gig I’m definitely using that!
  4. Work in general has just been stressful. Both my full-time career job and my retail job.
  5. Boys have also been sucking major.
  6. So have a lot of my friends.
  7. And I’m sure there’s like a dozen other stories I can write out here. But I’m going to spare myself the pain.

I’m having difficulties

I’m seriously starting to believe I have some sort of anger issue(s). Issues that may require medication so that they don’t keep manifesting in these annoying bouts of ill health. Last Thursday I was having anxiety attacks and chest pains at work, and when I mentioned this to my parents they promptly flipped out and nearly dragged me to the ER. The next day, Friday—which was supposed to be the first day of my glorious 4-day Memorial Weekend staycation—my parents made me go to the doctor’s office, causing me to cancel all my exciting plans for the day (mainly, the beach!). We don’t know what’s wrong with me yet, or even if there is anything wrong with me (I’m really just convinced it’s all psychological), but my parents won’t rest until they’re certain. As for me…well I’m doing the best I can not to consume copious amounts of beer right now, because my mother is convinced my “alcoholic drinking” is the main cause for my health woes. (I swear I’m not an alcoholic. In fact I think I drink a perfectly normal amount for a 22-year-old who likes to party when she gets the chance.)

And what are the reasons for my incredibly foul, angry mood? There’s been some rather unsavory drama happening in my life. Long story short, I felt betrayed by a friend’s shady behavior, and what was once a schoolgirl crush has now quickly disappeared into thin air thanks to said shady behavior. Ugh, just thinking about the whole ordeal is making my blood boil again.

In other news, there’s a new theme up. Literally took me about three hours, probably the fastest I’ve ever whipped a layout into shape for this blog. But I really was just getting sick of the old one, and I’m determined to get the ball rolling again on this blogging thing. How I’m going to do that, I haven’t determined yet.

The thing is, times have changed. When I first blogged on the Internet, I was probably around 12 or 13 years old. No one knew who I was. I was just a kid writing random journal entries for strangers to see, first by hand, then with software like Graymatter, b2, yada yada (anyone remember those days?). I was always just a student ranting and raving about teenage life. If you go to my personal website, you’ll find content there that was written five, six years ago. Now I’m in my twenties and no longer a student. Social media has made it impossible to keep online and real-life identities separate. Many people in real life know I have a blog. And with my job, I understand now why it’s so important to keep the toes on the line when divulging personal details online. And it’s just irritating, because the Internet was supposed to be this vast place where I could carve out my own little corner and write about annoying troubles live was giving me.

OK, I’m not really sure where that rant was going. But blogging doesn’t seem to be as much fun as it used to. I haven’t decided whether to create an entirely new blog (along with a more carefully hidden online identity), but I don’t want to let go of this domain just yet. We’ll see.

We’ll see where this damn life takes me!

Reasons why my life sux balls right now

I woke up this morning with pinkeye. And an incredibly sore throat. Like, really? I can’t even fathom the idea of being actually sick right now on top of everything else going on in my life. But there ya go. I’m missing all of my classes today as well as work so I can make it to my classes and work tomorrow and for the rest of the week. Also, now I can’t wear contact lenses nor makeup. I have a reunion dinner tonight as well as a barcrawl Wednesday. How freaking inconvenient.

Let’s see…oh, and my mother’s run away from home. Like forreals, gotten a hotel and everything. No idea where she is. Don’t know what’s going to happen with my family. I’m convinced the tears I shed yesterday gave me this pinkeye.

I am also incredibly broke. I know I’m always complaining about this, but it’s gotten to the point where I can’t even afford to feed myself now. I still owe friends a hefty amount of money for bills and spring break stuff. Not to mention I have some bills coming up that I’m going to have to find money to pay for. My tax refund this year was a measly $59. Also, when I filed online with TurboTax, they charged me $30 for preparation of my state tax return. Which totally pissed me off because I was not aware that I was being charged for it. I demanded a refund, which the lady said she would grant me as a first time exception. But that was now over a week ago. I need my damn $30 back!

Since my mother’s gone off somewhere, I’ve no idea where to find quick cash. My “salary” from the newspaper is negligible, I’m not being paid for my internship, and I only have time to really write one Demand Studios article a week. My dad has to support himself and my brothers now. I have fucking school taking up my time.

a;sifas;ofija;wolif;sdlk I just need graduation to fucking come so I can find a real freaking job to pay for all this shit!