I’m having difficulties

I’m seriously starting to believe I have some sort of anger issue(s). Issues that may require medication so that they don’t keep manifesting in these annoying bouts of ill health. Last Thursday I was having anxiety attacks and chest pains at work, and when I mentioned this to my parents they promptly flipped out and nearly dragged me to the ER. The next day, Friday—which was supposed to be the first day of my glorious 4-day Memorial Weekend staycation—my parents made me go to the doctor’s office, causing me to cancel all my exciting plans for the day (mainly, the beach!). We don’t know what’s wrong with me yet, or even if there is anything wrong with me (I’m really just convinced it’s all psychological), but my parents won’t rest until they’re certain. As for me…well I’m doing the best I can not to consume copious amounts of beer right now, because my mother is convinced my “alcoholic drinking” is the main cause for my health woes. (I swear I’m not an alcoholic. In fact I think I drink a perfectly normal amount for a 22-year-old who likes to party when she gets the chance.)

And what are the reasons for my incredibly foul, angry mood? There’s been some rather unsavory drama happening in my life. Long story short, I felt betrayed by a friend’s shady behavior, and what was once a schoolgirl crush has now quickly disappeared into thin air thanks to said shady behavior. Ugh, just thinking about the whole ordeal is making my blood boil again.

In other news, there’s a new theme up. Literally took me about three hours, probably the fastest I’ve ever whipped a layout into shape for this blog. But I really was just getting sick of the old one, and I’m determined to get the ball rolling again on this blogging thing. How I’m going to do that, I haven’t determined yet.

The thing is, times have changed. When I first blogged on the Internet, I was probably around 12 or 13 years old. No one knew who I was. I was just a kid writing random journal entries for strangers to see, first by hand, then with software like Graymatter, b2, yada yada (anyone remember those days?). I was always just a student ranting and raving about teenage life. If you go to my personal website, you’ll find content there that was written five, six years ago. Now I’m in my twenties and no longer a student. Social media has made it impossible to keep online and real-life identities separate. Many people in real life know I have a blog. And with my job, I understand now why it’s so important to keep the toes on the line when divulging personal details online. And it’s just irritating, because the Internet was supposed to be this vast place where I could carve out my own little corner and write about annoying troubles live was giving me.

OK, I’m not really sure where that rant was going. But blogging doesn’t seem to be as much fun as it used to. I haven’t decided whether to create an entirely new blog (along with a more carefully hidden online identity), but I don’t want to let go of this domain just yet. We’ll see.

We’ll see where this damn life takes me!

Here’s to the beginning of the rest of my life…

First of all, today this blog turns two years old. Feels strangely like a long time, although in the realm of things it isn’t anymore. I’ve been blogging since I was 11 or 12, so overall my words have been floating around out there on the Internet for over 10 years. Wowzer. At any rate, happy second anniversary, bumplum!

The Philippines was, for the most part, a blast. I met so many family members and went to so many places…and also ended up getting ridiculously sick. Muscle pains, backaches, fevers, headaches, upset stomachs, you name it. Everyone was convinced it was the change in climate and that I wasn’t used to the tropical weather (apparently the four months I spent in Central America didn’t mean a thing). To their credit, there were several bagyos and several low pressure storm systems that popped up, which I wasn’t used to in Costa Rica, so maybe they’re to blame? I also did a lot of shopping, watched a lot of TV (mainly basketball and teleseryes, thank god for BTV), and overall just relaxed. Oh, and returned to the gloriousness that is a tropical beach:


White Beach, Boracay Island

And glorious indeed. Boracay was every bit as gorgeous as advertised, just way more touristy than I anticipated. I felt almost exactly as if I were back at Playa Jaco or Playa Samara in Costa Rica…sans the insane partying and sexy Latin men, of course.

I also learned several very interesting things about my family:

  • My grandfather on my dad’s side died of a heart attack while he (my dad) was in college. Not only was he a Philippine soldier who served in World War II for the U.S. Army, he was going to study law afterward but decided to stay a soldier instead. That would have been two grandfather lawyers for me; no wonder my entire family believes I’m destined to become one.
  • My mother’s oldest sister, the aunt I never knew, had died from internal injuries sustained in a jeepney accident. Apparently my aunt, who was pregnant at the time, never sought treatment after the accident, and by the time she realized she was sick it was too late. It was the first time my mom told me the whole story. Oh, and guess what? She studied English literature in college!!!! No wonder my mother never made fun of me nor gave me crap about my English major like you would have expected an Asian mother to do…amazing. I feel even more closer now to my oldest aunt, who died before I was born and like me, was the oldest in the family.
  • My parents first met in Saudi Arabia. I always knew Saudi was a source of connection between my parents, but I didn’t know the whole story…and in fact, I’ve got a lot more family in Saudi Arabia than I first thought. Not only have my parents and some aunts lived there, my uncle and other aunts still do. It’s crazy. I’ve always been fascinated by Saudi Arabia, and now I’d like to go there someday. Are Americans allowed to travel there for tourist reasons? Must find this out.

At any rate, now I am home. No more vacations, no more dilly-dallying. I have graduated from college and moved back into my parents’ house. Most unfortunately, I am completely unemployed. I decided not to return to my old seasonal job, and have yet to line up my real first grown up one. I interviewed for a company before I left for the Philippines but they ended up rejecting me, which I wasn’t too sad about. So far I have yet to hear back from any of the jobs that I applied to before my vacation, and have now begun applying to more in earnest. I’m worried. Today I sent resumes online to three more places…and seriously, whoever said job hunting is a job in itself was right. I’m pooped. And still worried.

Let the realities of grown up-hood begin. 🙁

This life of mine

Welps, I just spent my entire day crafting a new layout for this blog. And you know what, it feels good. Like I legit got something done today. It sort of commemorates this new phase in my life, the post-study abroad me. And even though I’ll probably be drowning in sadness just gazing upon this lone palm tree I encountered in Puerto Viejo de Talamanca, hey at least now I can go and try on all the goods I bought at the Victoria’s Secret semi-annual today while waiting to pick up my brother.

(An FYI: This blog entry’s title is my rough English translation of the new theme’s name, “Qué Vida La Mía,” which in turn was named after the song by Mexican pop/rock band Reik. Just in case, ya know, you were wondering.)

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened

“There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered.” — Nelson Mandela

Amazing. I’ve finally figured out what’s wrong with me.

Funnily enough, I came across that quote while reading through the “Welcome Back” guide the study abroad office sent me. And I guess you could say it’s about time I accepted that I’ve definitely changed in so many ways since my time abroad in Costa Rica. And it’s also about time I’ve accepted the fact that that chapter of my life is over and it’s time to move on.


Bye bye! 🙁

Before, I was dead set on spending the rest of my life in Chicago. After graduation, I would find a job in the city and live in a swanky apartment with either my cousin or other friends. Now, I’m not so sure anymore where “home” will be in the future. I liked my simpler life in Costa Rica. I could care less about finding that perfect 9-5 job downtown now. Obviously, nothing about Chicago has changed (much) — it’s my own demeanor that has.

People are always telling you to live it up while you can and to enjoy the moment, but why is it people never talk about what happens after the “moment”? I lived my summer to the fullest last year and I only ended up being depressed when it ended and I had to pack up for Costa Rica. Then in Costa Rica I had the time of my life and now it’s over and I’m depressed — again. I know I made promises to make my last and only senior year semester the best ever, but do I really want to do that now? Can I really make it through a third straight adrenaline rush of life and then only end up feeling deflated again when it’s over? I’m ready for college to end so I can start finding some semblance of stability in my life. I need to start that process of letting college go now before it gets any worse.

On a less somber note, I’ve started working on a scrapbook for my semester abroad. Sort of. I uploaded 240 pictures to my Wal-Mart photo account and I’m waiting for a friend to send more to me. But seriously…240 pictures. With shipping and handling, that’s about $32. And then on top of that I’m gonna have to buy a book to put it all in and then supplies and fun stuff to make it with! I’ve already filtered through my uploads 2 times to cut down the amount; looks like I’m going to have to do it a few more times!

Even further proof that I’m trying my darndest to move on is the ambitious plans I’m making for this domain. After over a year of this city skyline, I want to make a new one. Considering I haven’t done any real HTML since I made this layout then (heh), I’m a bit nervous about the time I’m going to have to invest for this. And I want to get the ball rolling on my sports blog. I tried starting one last summer, but then I kind of left it alone for awhile. I’ve been mainly debating about whether to design a theme for it or to just use a premade (which I really dislike doing…I like all my sites to be my own designs), so we’ll see.