I’ve finally accepted that I’m aging

When I was younger (teen years, to be more precise), I frequented many online communities and I was always amused by the amount of people who had to step away from their duties as forum moderators or webmasters or whatnot because “real life was in the way” or “taking up too much time.”

Now that I’m an “adult”…I fully, completely 100% understand the sentiment.

I do feel guilty for letting my web hobbies fall to the wayside. After all, they consumed much of my adolescence and were a source of pride for me. But man oh man, this whole being an adult thing is serious shit! I was around 12 years old when I began experimenting around the Internet and learning the trades of website design and creation. Now I’m in the later half of my 20s, and my mind and body is starting to feel the effects of aging (and yes, I’m aware I’m not quite that old yet, but whatever). Just getting up and doing laundry is now considered an accomplishment for me.

This morning we said good-bye to my younger brother as he jetted off to Japan for a year of teaching (technically, he hasn’t jetted off yet—apparently they’re still stuck at the gate. Good ol’ O’Hare delays). It’ll be really weird to not have him around in the same metropolitan region/state/country but all the same. Very proud older sister here.

Did I mention I’m starting to feel the effects of aging? It’s now 2:49 in the afternoon and I feel ready for an old lady nap.

It is a truth universally acknowledged

…that I only write in this blog when I feel my life is going absurdly shitty in one way or another. September has been an odd month. I have, at times, felt any or all of the following: depressed, bored, excited, sad, bitchy, annoyed, angry, content, and meh. It didn’t help that my period came three weeks late; when you’re off the pill and you’re not having sex, not knowing where your period is should not mean a thing, but I was just plain angry with my reproductive system for holding itself up. I mean, hello, I’d like to get it over with. (Is that TMI?)

What has happened since I last wrote? Well, as I imagined, once the fun craziness that was summer had died down, my quarter-life crisis came back in full swing. I won’t go into the sordid details (yet) but several things happened this month that turned my life on its head and caused me to be a recluse. For one thing, my younger brother left to study abroad in Japan, which is yes very exciting for him but also made me feel rather blue because it reminded me of my study abroad days. Not to mention, I didn’t realize how boring home life could be without my brother! I hope he doesn’t read this and doesn’t ever find out I’ve expressed that sentiment, but I looked at him as sort of a sidekick. And now I’m bored. My youngest brother is still around, but he’s such a teenager I never know what kind of mood swing I’m going to get.

Another thing that happened was I got Netflix. Yes, that’s right. Not for the first time technically, but this is the first time I’ve actually been using it and watching things. I’d been resisting for so many years, but my obsession with Doctor Who has greatly intensified that I wanted to watch older episodes (meaning the seasons with Chris E and David Tennant, as well as some of the earlier Matt Smith episodes). And I knew the show was on there, so when my brother offered to set up another free trial that he got in his email (he uses Netflix on and off, when random online parties send him free trials) I decided to roll with it. Luckily I haven’t found myself in a cesspool of binge watching like so many others; just Doctor Who and Grey’s Anatomy. I don’t know if I have the stomach to lose myself into another show.

By the way, speaking of the Doctor, did I mention I met Mr. Smith himself last month?!

That may have been the greatest birthday present I’ve ever gifted myself. And I’m never ever washing that blue dress.

What’s in a name?

It’s seriously amazing how much one can get done during the weekend when one does not go out. I stayed in last night, didn’t work or anything. Read my book (currently Burning Bright by Tracy Chevalier, writer of Girl With a Pearl Earring), did my 10 sit-ups, and went to bed at a respectable time of 11:17 p.m. Woke up today without the assistance of an alarm clock at 8:30 a.m., and promptly started my day. Put away my laundry (that I had done four days ago) and tidied up my room. I was supposed to go rock climbing with some girls from school, but alas it was not to be. So instead I convinced my brother to go bike riding with me around the neighborhood. We had to walk our bikes to the gas station to fill the tires up, then went on our way.

That was when I discovered I am so out of shape. I was out of breath in minutes and could barely get up the hill when we found the trail through the forest preserve by our house. Looks like I’m going to have to ease into this new “must-get-into-shape” routine I’ve adopted much more slowly.

In other news, other than watching the Olympics day after day, I’m trying to figure out plans for this domain. As it is, this blog is the domain. But now that I’m a fledgling careerwoman and writer, I would kind of like to create some sort of portal for myself and dissociate my real name from this blog. As it is, if you Google my full name this domain is the first thing that pops up. It’s kind of unnerving. (In fact, if you’re reading this after Googling my full name to see who the heck this person is…well, there you go!)

When I first started blogging on the Internet 10+ years ago, I was just a kid. I knew not to use my real name, of course, so I just started calling myself Raisy all around, on message boards and whatnot. When I got to high school, I wanted to be more “authentic” (truthfully I’m not quite sure what I mean by that) and started using my real name, sometimes even putting my full name on websites. When I bought this domain after my sophomore year of college, I put my full name everywhere in a bid to sort of establish myself as, you know, a personal blogger. But now that I’m more than a year out of college, I’m coming into contact with way more professionals that I ever thought. My real full name is now not just the name of a kid tinkering around with websites and HTML, but that of a real working person. I’m having to put more thought into how I want to really establish myself to the world. Years ago I was just a Final Fantasy and Charmed fanatic. Now, I have so much more weight carried on my shoulders.

Only thing I’ve managed to do today domain-wise is finally add a title header to this design. For a while I didn’t have the name of the blog up there, and I wanted it to stay that way, but then I changed my mind. And instead of updating the background image I just went with a regular text header. Other than that I can’t quite decide what to do with my online presence at the moment. I love this personal blog—it has sincerely become my baby over the past 3 years. But I’m starting to understand that I really need some sort of splash page to represent myself professionally. But should I buy a separate domain for that? This domain name is already too intricately tied to my real full name. Should I do some radical transformation of bumplum.com and relegate this blog to a subfolder? Whaaaaat do I dooooo???

Burying myself in distractions

The chest X-ray came back normal. So then why did I feel chest pains again tonight? Why does my breathing always feel so heavy and labored? What if my heart just fails on me and it’s because I had some deformity nobody thought to discover? (This is what happens when you work for a trade magazine for cardiologists, you get way too paranoid about your heart.) Why has my mood not improved yet? Why is it such a struggle to stay positive about anything anymore? When am I ever going to get out of this stupid little episode of misanthropic depression?

There are only a select few things that are keeping me sane right now:

  • NBA playoffs. I’m rooting for the San Antonio Spurs to go all the way. Seriously, just hand the trophy to them once they take care of the Oklahoma City Thunder in the Western Conference finals. Nobody cares about Miami or Boston anymore.
  • White Sox. My boys in baseball won their ninth game in a row tonight. Lovin’ it, lovin’ it! Plus everybody’s still talking about Hawk Harrelson going off on Mark Wegner.
  • Re-reading White Teeth by Zadie Smith. First read this for a class in college, decided it was time to tackle it again. I’d forgotten how funny and witty Smith is. In fact, I’d forgotten how much I idolize her. White Teeth was one of my favorite books from my English major experience, and so far it’s still holding up as one of my favorite books ever.
  • The Big Bang Theory. My brother surprised me today with the third season of BBT. Being in the fragile emotional state that I am, the gesture sent me to tears. Granted, he had a Best Buy certificate that expired today that he wanted to use, but still I appreciated the pseudo-gift. (I also have seasons one and four, now all I need is the second!) I’m starting to wonder if my emotional/mental issues stem from the fact that I feel unappreciated and nobody ever thinks to do something nice for me for once? And when you work both full-time and part-time jobs and nobody seems to consider that and nobody else seems to make an effort for you when you’re constantly reaching out to others…yeah, maybe those are my problems.

Not gonna lie, I’m slightly going through a Facebook withdrawal. But I told myself I’d stay off for at least a week, and the week mark doesn’t strike until Monday, and for a week I shall do it!

This winter break sucks ass

Thanks to my seasonal unemployment situation, I’m bored out of my fucking mind, and you would think that with all this free time comes all this fun that’s supposed to come with being a 21-year-old in America, but noooooo.

It’s funny, I’m finally at a point in my life where my parents have FINALLY FINALLY given me near-unlimited freedoms (i.e. no curfew, less criticisms about my drinking, less interrogations about who I go out with, etc.) and yet I’m doing absolutely nothing with them. Quite literally, nothing. I don’t think I’ve socialized with a non-familial human being since…last Friday? Last Wednesday? I don’t know if this is because it’s cold, or because I’m stuck in the far out suburbs, or maybe because I just don’t really have any friends at all anymore.

My New Year’s Eve was spent in the hospital. The “things” I was talking about in my earlier post, well they got worse. About a couple hours before 2011 arrived, my parents and I took my 19-year-old brother to the behavioral unit at my mom’s work. Basically, he has been telling some people very scary things over the past year, messages that hinted at suicide, and when my brother refused to leave his bedroom to go to our usual NYE family party, enough was enough. I’ve known that he’d been having suicidal tendencies for several years now, and needless to say it’s been a relief to finally get him the professional help he’s been needing.

Since then, my brother has been diagnosed with social anxiety disorder, or so my dad told me. It’s a disorder that’s characterized by a persistent, chronic fear of being in social situations, something that can lead to other conditions like depression if left untreated. Which, now that I think about it, makes total sense, because my brother doesn’t socialize with anyone. At all. He’s perfectly comfortable hanging out with me and our 13-year-old brother at home, but he rarely ever gets out of the house to hang out with friends. I don’t even know if he has any of his own friends; the few times I’ve ever seen him out, it’s typically with me and our mutual friends. And then there are times where I wonder if this is all my fault, for being such an overbearing, bossy, dominant older sister.

See why I feel so completely shitty about my life right now? Definitely could use a very stiff drink at the moment…