I woke up this morning with pinkeye. And an incredibly sore throat. Like, really? I can’t even fathom the idea of being actually sick right now on top of everything else going on in my life. But there ya go. I’m missing all of my classes today as well as work so I can make it to my classes and work tomorrow and for the rest of the week. Also, now I can’t wear contact lenses nor makeup. I have a reunion dinner tonight as well as a barcrawl Wednesday. How freaking inconvenient.

Let’s see…oh, and my mother’s run away from home. Like forreals, gotten a hotel and everything. No idea where she is. Don’t know what’s going to happen with my family. I’m convinced the tears I shed yesterday gave me this pinkeye.

I am also incredibly broke. I know I’m always complaining about this, but it’s gotten to the point where I can’t even afford to feed myself now. I still owe friends a hefty amount of money for bills and spring break stuff. Not to mention I have some bills coming up that I’m going to have to find money to pay for. My tax refund this year was a measly $59. Also, when I filed online with TurboTax, they charged me $30 for preparation of my state tax return. Which totally pissed me off because I was not aware that I was being charged for it. I demanded a refund, which the lady said she would grant me as a first time exception. But that was now over a week ago. I need my damn $30 back!

Since my mother’s gone off somewhere, I’ve no idea where to find quick cash. My “salary” from the newspaper is negligible, I’m not being paid for my internship, and I only have time to really write one Demand Studios article a week. My dad has to support himself and my brothers now. I have fucking school taking up my time.

a;sifas;ofija;wolif;sdlk I just need graduation to fucking come so I can find a real freaking job to pay for all this shit!

Hurrah, hurrah! I’ve finished my monstrous 15-page research paper for EPS 310! Time to start doing other work, yay! /end sarcasm

It’s come to my attention that I am now almost a full month away from college graduation. I know what you’re thinking. How do I feel? Am I ready for the real world? Am I ready to let go? These are just examples of the flurry of questions I’ve been getting lately.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned about the past year, it’s that whether or not you’re ready to let go, you’re gonna have to let go. Last school year I had to learn to let go of a few people, a few comforts. That was normal, since it was the end of my third year of college. Then summer came, and I had to learn to let go of my “home” life. Instead of returning to the suburbs, working at the movie theater, and hanging out with “home” friends, I did something different and stayed in Champaign. I worked a ‘real’ job, hung out with people I never normally would have hung out with during the school year (aside from my roommate), and created an actual real life for myself pretty much.

Then in August I had to let that go. It was probably one of the hardest things I’d ever done. Even though I knew I had this wonderful adventure abroad waiting for me, the interruption to my blissful summer was — literally — heartbreaking. And it had to happen, because prior to summer I had made the decision to study abroad during the first semester of my senior year. As for that decision? Definitely do not regret it at all and I am so so thankful I was able to go. Costa Rica was truly one of the best times of my life. Honestly, in the four months I spent there, I felt more at home than I’d ever felt in the three previous years at Champaign. I had friends and family there. I had a host mother who mothered me in ways I never experienced before. She was the emotional and loving support I was lacking from my own real mother.

And of course, letting go of all that was hard. Unlike my good-byes to summer, these good-byes were extra difficult because I didn’t (and still don’t) know when I’d see Costa Rica again. I didn’t just say farewell to the wonderful people of Central America, but the American friends I’d made as well. At the beginning of my study abroad experience, I couldn’t imagine staying for more than a semester, and thought the first month was hard enough. But by the end, I did not want to leave Costa Rica at all. I never wanted to leave.

But like before, I just had to let go.

I think that entire year of upheaval and changes has definitely affected the way I’ve approached this semester. I’ve been operating with the mindset that nothing is ever permanent. A year from now, I know I won’t be hanging out with the same people anymore. It’s the story of my life. I’ve never had a friendship last for a significant amount of time. I’ve never been in a relationship and it appears that me and the male species just don’t…well, we mesh very well (if you know what I mean…) but obviously it doesn’t seem I qualify as girlfriend-material. I have nothing tying me down. Even the great city of Chicago, the place I once called my hometown, my anchor…doesn’t quite stir the same feelings within me anymore.

Point is, I have no idea where my life is going to lead me in the coming months. I have some vague plans, but at the moment I have no idea where I’ll be living, who I’ll be surrounding myself with (family- and friends-wise), what I’ll be doing to make a living. And you know what? I am perfectly fine with that. It is much easier to let go than to hang on.

I don’t have anything or anyone to live for but myself right now.

Last night, I made a total fool of myself. I’m not going to go into details, but the events after 2am were embarrassing enough. And so, for now, I’m going to stop with a certain habit. I’m not a dedicated smoker (of anything) by any means, as I’ve only ever done it occasionally, but today when I woke up I imagined some pretty gross things. So absolutely no more of that for awhile. I’ve got more important things to do with my time.

As a result of last night’s dumb ending, I didn’t go to bed until 5am. I’ve been operating this entire day on practically no sleep, as well as a really really bad hangover. Which means, my grand plans of doing homework and studying all day today had sadly gone to waste. I was so productive Saturday, I wrote up half my take-home midterm for history and I even started writing for Demand Studios again, since I’m strapped for cash. Today I did manage to read for class, and start on some assignments.

I wish I could find things to blog about besides my never-ending pile of schoolwork and other kinds of work. I will say this, before today’s dinner with the roommates at Red Lobster, I still had yet to spend a single $ on outside food. And actually, last night I didn’t spend anything at all on alcohol at the bars. And, and! I’ve started cutting up coupons and saving them, and in my first coupon-filled trip to County Market, I spent about $8 on bread, macaroni and cheese, salad dressing, Totino’s pizzas, and other minor items. $8! I couldn’t believe it.

Getting quite proud of myself. Last night I was THISCLOSE to getting Chipotle. My self-restraint is finally coming through for me!

First of all, I miss being able to link directly to my pictures from Facebook. I would use my Flickr account, but apparently I’ve used up my 200 image quota, and I don’t quite have the funds to upgrade. So…le sigh.

Second, and third, and fourth, etc.:

Frolicking on the beach! (As shown here while on spring break!)

I was going to add more pictures but all this uploading is getting rather tedious. So I suppose I’ll leave it at that. In case you couldn’t tell, I really really freaking miss Costa Rica: the people, my host family, the food, the cities, mountains, animals, everything.

In other news, I’ve been looking for ways to rearrange my schedule to make life less hellish for me, and in doing so I’ve realized that I’m going to miss the Chicago Bulls’ regular season game against the Boston Celtics tomorrow night. WTH was I thinking?!

Graduation is now merely weeks away. My only goals for now are to finish the semester strong, stop my frivolous spending, and organize organize organize. At the moment I have less than $100 in my bank account and probably around $20 in cash in my wallet. I’ve resorted to using my credit card to pay for bills and groceries, but inside it’s killing me because I despise my credit card company and I’ve been trying hard not to use it so that I eventually can pay the debt off faster, close the account for good, and move on somewhere else. Alas, I don’t know how I’m going to manage one month left of school with less than $100 in the bank. I do get paid my measly salary pay on Friday for the newspaper, but it most likely will not help. I still have to do my taxes, so hopefully I’ll get something back from that. But otherwise…I feel rather destitute right now.

I’ve actually embarked on a diet from all fast foods and eateries. I last had McDonald’s while at home for spring break, and I’m proud to say that since then I haven’t spent any money on non-grocery foods. I’m also trying this thing where I go out with no intention of buying alcohol at bars. This isn’t a measure to curb my drinking, but to curb my spending on drinking, which alarmed me when I dropped $33 at a Chicago lounge on my last night of spring break (OK, I know $33 is NOTHING for a city establishment but still, I needn’t have drank so much that night!). Over the last weekend I went out twice, spending money only on covers. It worked (my no-spending-for-alcohol-at-bars mission), and yet somehow I still managed to get incredibly intoxicated. That’s what I get for going out with large groups of friends whose mission it is is to get crunk, I guess.

*sighs heavily*

I am a beacon of peace and serenity. Stress cannot enter me. I go with the flow. Pura vida, pura vida.

I literally had to chant all that to myself tonight at work. Tonight was a long night — late stories (like that UConn/Butler game, what a travesty!), a supplement guide to post online. Normally I aim to be done at 11:30, but unfortunately tonight I was out at 1 in the morning. When I realized it was going to be a late night, I started hyperventilating because it doesn’t help that I have to work at my internship tomorrow morning at 10, as well as do the usual schoolwork. But I breathed and thought peaceful thoughts and remembered that things won’t be so bad. My only major assignment due for this week is a paper rewrite due Thursday, so I have all day tomorrow to do it.

I’m also really really hungry right now. I’m eating leftover Kraft mac and cheese that I made earlier today for lunch…was hoping to save it for a snack tomorrow but alas my hungry stomach must be fed. Am also really tempted to whip up a quick small salad right now too. I don’t understand my appetite sometimes.

However, I am starting to understand now why the weekends are so beloved (for adults). With all this stress during the week, I am so ready now to unwind and drink up a storm this weekend!