I’m still alive and well and kickin’, hooray. Here’s some (OK, two) bullets.

• I just watched the Grammys for perhaps the first time in years. I normally don’t give a damn about awards ceremonies (except for maybe the ESPYs, haha) unless someone I love dearly is up for an award (such as Colin Firth last year winning the Best Actor Oscar), but I felt compelled to tonight due to the recent death of Whitney Houston, which I’m sure everyone who is aware of some piece of pop culture has heard by now. And also because I wanted to see Adele since she is after all my ultimate homegirl. Anyway, I’m quite sad to hear of Whitney’s passing. Growing up in the ’90s, there’s no way you couldn’t be jamming (or crying) to her songs at some point in life. May she rest in peace.
• And the biggest news right now in the NBA is Jeremy Lin. I first heard of the kid last year when ESPN ran an article about him on the Golden State Warriors being, you know, the first Taiwanese-American player in the NBA. Now he’s on the Knicks and racking up points and headlines and doing things like outscoring Kobe on Friday with 38 points. I’m happy for the guy…but I definitely can’t identify with him as an Asian American. As my brother says, “I wish he were more thuggish and not the stereotypical quiet Asian guy.”

By all rights, my mood shouldn’t feel this improved right now. The Bulls are playing like shit against Philly right now, I’m having medical issues I really freaking wish I weren’t having, a rift in a friendship doesn’t feel much improved, I’m running on no sleep, and my future is feeling so extremely uncertain.

But the weather in the past few days has been relatively glorious for late January/early February. 50-degree weather, sunshine, the smell of spring. And I feel less freaked out than before.

Or it might have been the hormones and PMS that took over my last post…maybe…

I’m currently in the midst of my third mental breakdown of the week. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It’s like a combination of work stress, PMS and OCD. And probably lack of sleep. I’m on the verge of tears, but nothing’s coming out, just fits of anger and self-inflicted physical…harm. To the point where I’m sorely tempted to bang my head on the wall because I feel like I need to experience serious physical pain to mask the irritation of this mental chaos. I don’t know what to do.

The other night I was barking at my family and it was freaking them out. Earlier this week I was just lying in my bed staring at the ceiling trying to empty my head. What the fuck is wrong with me…

Well, first things first I guess…today’s Christmas. I’m under the impression that it’s like a really big deal, but really all I did today was open my 2 presents, watch TV and eat. Not really that much different from any other day in the year.

I finally got around to watching The King’s Speech. I hadn’t seen it since theaters, and it’s definitely still very very good. I will always love Colin Firth, so I may be biased. But it really is definitely very good. The cinematography, which I appreciated more this time around, is brilliant. As far as period dramas go, this one tops all the recent ones, at least. That may have been the lamest movie review ever, my apologies.

I still have that very overwhelming feeling lurking in the back of my mind. Today I was so tired for some reason. Really, I shouldn’t have been. I had no work yesterday nor today. I slept a full 9 hours. But today I couldn’t bring myself to do anything. I couldn’t even muster up the energy to put my laundry away. My arms just don’t want to bloody move. I’m practically forcing myself to not go to bed at this very moment. There’s so much I could have done today and I’m so upset at myself for not doing a single thing except be an absolute couch potato.

I need to fix this blog. I need to read other blogs again. I must find my voice.

Have you ever been faced with such a huge, daunting list of things to do? And not just simple errands like “Drop book off at library,” or reminders like “Student loan payment due.” Sometimes I think I just love making lists. And they keep growing and growing, and I end up sitting on the floor of my room, staring at this computer screen wondering where the eff to start. “Organize closet” or “Set things aside for recycling” or “Clean out second shelf under stereo”? Doesn’t help that I literally don’t have time to do any of the stuff I have to do or want to do. “Finish watching BBC Pride and Prejudice” or “Watch brand new The King’s Speech DVD”? (I’m in a major Colin Firth mood right now, heh) “Clean loft” or “Shop for cheap desk”?

My desire for all things blogging appears to have waned in the past couple of months. I haven’t kept up with my reader, nor have I managed to write anything substantial in this WordPress box. I want to say that I blame it on my two time-sucking jobs—working 60 hours is exhausting. That, and I realize my online persona may very well have an effect on my real life persona someday, since reality and the Internet world appears to have finally meshed at last. So I gotta watch what I say…for now.

Have I mentioned my growing dislike for our society’s growing, disgusting dependence on technology? I had to upgrade my phone for the first time in years, and at the insistence of my mother I paid $100+ for a smartphone. I regret it. In fact, I was so angry at myself one day for getting the damn thing that I started tearing up at work because purchasing it was going against every principle I had about this stupid obsession with smartphones. I half want to chuck it in the trash and half don’t know what to do with it. I don’t use data. All I freaking do with my cell phones is call, text and occasionally take pictures.

OK, I’m getting angry thinking about it again. Should try and continue trying to be productive with my life…