I don’t like Swizz Beatz much ’cause he left his wife for Alicia Keys, but can I just say that is the cutest child I’ve ever seen!! Look at his precious face!! That’s what I want my future children to look like someday…if only…

My body is exhausted. Been living on very few sleep since…I don’t know when. Hangover wasn’t too terrible this morning. But my bones hurt, I’m sore, and have absolutely no desire to do anything productive, which is b-a-d because I have two 2-page papers due this week as well as an exam on Wednesday. Blechh.

My mind is also mentally and emotionally drained. Really, I should just stop giving boys the time of day period and just go on what my roommate terms a “man-fast.” This is all just getting too much for me. There are days where I’m good and don’t think too much of my pressing problems (like why does Boy O not love me anymore? Why am I having these dumb boy issues in the first place?). Then there are days like today that consume me and I go into crying fits and can’t seem to find the will to do important stuff like job apps and schoolwork.

Boy F is not as perfectly compatible as I thought he was. We have much in common but he lacks insight, and I pretty much can’t stop comparing him to O. Bottom line is, I want to like F more but my heart isn’t in it. And I want to stop liking O so much because it’s obvious he doesn’t care about me anymore…but as corny as this sounds, my heart just freaking yearns for him too much.

Warning: Possible TMI So yesterday I thought my period came. I woke up to find bleeding. Normally I do get my period on Mondays…but the thing is, I’m still in the ‘white pill’ part of my birth control cycle and technically I should not be getting my period until next week! The other thing is, I get this heavyish flow that only lasts from morning til afternoon. It happened yesterday and it’s happening today too, where there’s no blood at night. And another, third thing is, the blood is not normal-colored. Like it looks, at times, more orangeish than red. WTF is wrong with my body?!

As if that wasn’t bad enough, I’ve been waking up every morning with a buttload of phlegm in my throat and terrible congestion up my nose. Way to make me feel even more shitty, body.

This week was my first ‘hell week’ in a really long time (not since last May!). I had an exam yesterday morning and two major papers due today. I didn’t start studying/working hardcore til last Friday, but I’m thinking I totally rocked the exam yesterday. And I managed to pump out my 5-page English paper on Margaret Atwood’s The Edible Woman in 2.5 hours. Guess I still got that good college student thing in me.

Hmm, you know I’m sure had plenty of things to blog about besides my body weirdness, school and boys. But that’s all I can think of at the moment!

My appetite seems to have increased tenfold since my return to campus. I don’t know what it is, but I just keep eating and eating. I’ve eaten practically everything there is on Green Street (it’s rather hard to avoid when you have to walk down a street full of shops and restaurants just to get to class!) and going to County Market whenever I run out of grocery items. Even today, I went out for dinner and had a nice juicy burger and fries…and yet some part of me wants to whip up a quick snack right now because I’m not really satisfied with the day’s meals. But I am excited to start incorporating some foods into my meals that I never really had before, i.e. green beans, spinach, sour cream. I blame my host mom for her insanely awesome cooking. Gosh do I miss it!

My boy(s?) situation appears to have gotten way more complicated in the past two weeks than I could ever imagine. There is F, the boy I’ve recently met. We’ve been talking and hanging out quite a bit. In short, everything is great. Super. There are a ridiculous amount of things we have in common, things I can relate to him about. And he’s sweet! Usually I get turned off easily by guys who get emotionally affectionate like that too quickly, but with him I don’t mind! In fact, like I told my roommate today, I’m growing quite fond of F. To the point where I don’t want to get rid of him just yet. Last night he took me out to dinner for Valentine’s Day, the first time in my life where I have ever done such a Valentine-y thing. It was a good date. Very good.

But then…there’s O (these letters were chosen according to a system I just quickly devised, heh). After months of nothing, weeks of silence, days of rescheduling and texting, we finally saw each other today for the first time since August. We met up for dinner and had some alone time before being joined by his roommate (and, unknowingly, his girlfriend, which made everything into an unexpected double date). And, well, nothing was too awkward, I guess you could say (of course, O knows nothing of my pains, blargh). We chatted, caught up on life, the usual. It was just like every other time whenever we’d reunite after some period of not-really-being-friends. (O still looks so damn good, I’ll tell you that. I was having flashbacks and memories and all that…sigh. But anywho.) I was trying very hard not to imply anything, not to make it seem as if right off the bat I would jump back into his arms. Even though…I really wanted to. I’d forgotten how much I loved the smell of him, the warmth of his hug, that silly look on his face whenever he’d smile at me. I’d forgotten that effect he has on me.

And therein now lies the dilemma. Is O going to keep up his end of the bargain in maintaining this friendship? Do I go with F, who has the ability to understand me so much more completely and is more available and actually seems to want me more? Or do I go with O, who I fear I may still be in love with even though he hardly talks to me anymore and it’s hard just to see him even though we are now back in the same friggin’ country? Do I go with someone who, on paper, is my soulmate, or do I go with the person whom my roommate has dubbed the love of my life?

Or do I just take the easy route, say “Fuck ‘em all” and instead concentrate on the massive amount of schoolwork I have to do for the next week?

So I am currently physically ill. As well as mentally deranged, emotionally fucked up. I’m even just too drained to be depressed about anything really. I’m just…floating by. With this dumb sore throat.

I missed both my classes today for various reasons. Thanks to last week’s historic snow day and a certain distraction over the weekend, I totally neglected my schoolwork and discovered only last night that I had another 2-page reaction paper due today. Which required about 60+ pages of reading. Didn’t also help that I had to go in to work last night. I ended up waking early today to do the paper, subsequently deciding to skip the class the paper was for entirely (it was due online at noon). I then fell asleep around 10 a.m. with the hopes that I would wake up in time for my 1 p.m. class. Didn’t happen. I woke up at 1:30.

Since then, I’ve been dallying around in my room (mostly on my bed), trying to do something productive but to no avail. My distraction (or should I say distractions?) is distracting me.

I don’t get why my love life always seems to be in full force during spring semesters. It was like this last year too, I swear. Anyway, long story short: I met a boy over the weekend and saw him everyday. He is, to be honest, perfect for me in many ways. But…he is not The Boy. And dumb me, The Boy is still stuck in the back of my mind. So much so that my roommate has forced me to text The Boy to see him in person and decide for myself whether it’s truly over or not so that I can move on with this new boy.

Doesn’t help that I’ve developed a small fever, sore throat and fatigue. And that I have a take-home exam and short paper due this week. As well as work. Bahh.