Oh how things have changed

My mood has gotten much better. Sometimes all it takes is a real good cry. It’s like when you’re hungover as hell—all you need to do is throw up and everything feels improved.

‘Course, it helps when your job decides to send you on a last-minute business trip…to England! Yep, that’s what I’m doing today. Flying out to the U.K. tonight, then coming back to Chicago on Friday. I literally found this out only a few days ago. But hey, I’m not complaining. In fact, when you consider that England is my dream destination, and that I’ve been dreaming of it since high school, this turns out to be a very happy situation indeed.

And in light of all this, one thing I’ve had to start researching is frequent flyer/miles rewards programs. This will be the third time I’m flying American Airlines this year, and the travel agent who booked me on this Manchester flight highly recommended I enroll in AAdvantage. Which I did. But it sucks because they won’t apply mileage credit for flights flown when not enrolled at the time. So those trips to Costa Rica and Miami I took earlier this year? Ineligible.

But you see…the reason why I absolutely detest these programs and why I don’t rush to join them is because they’ve just been so unreliable and unhelpful to me! Before 2010 I think I had only flown somewhere about twice in my whole life. When I studied abroad in Costa Rica two years ago, I took US Airways. I signed up for their Dividend Miles program, and now my balance of 4,694 miles is due to expire in a few days because of inactivity. So those are going to waste. Last year my family and I flew Delta Airlines to go to the Philippines. When flying home, the flight attendant handed me an enrollment form for their SkyMiles program. My mom encouraged it, and since I knew she’d gotten free tickets before just for her two previous trips to the Philippines (flying there is a shit ton of miles), I signed up. But lo and behold, they never credited my flight to the Philippines and back, and my balance there right now is only a measly 500 miles just for signing up.

Just thinking about these stupid things is making me annoyed again. OK, must stop and continue packing.

Trying to figure it out

This raging bad mood just won’t go away. I’m starting to get worried. It’s like I can’t seem to let anything go right now. I’m being incredibly selfish; anything and everything is bothering me. At various points in the past month I have felt as if my blood is boiling, and no matter how hard I try to calm down, nothing works.

I don’t know what to do!

I’m starting to despise living at home. Even though my family has done nothing wrong, and there’s been no drama and on the contrary everyone for the most part is peachy keen, I am feeling completely trapped and bored. I miss having my own space, a place where I know where everything goes and where I can have friends over and have a grand old time. Instead, I’m a hermit in my own room because it’s the only place where I feel comfortable. This entire house is a disgusting mess. My brothers don’t clean up after themselves, my mother’s made a freaking nest in the family room with all her crap, and my father refuses to pay for garbage collection service so as a result there’s bags of shit collecting dust in the garage. I’m so embarrassed of this house, the idea of having people over is revolting. I’m tired of coming home from long days of work and seeing my younger brothers do nothing but waste their lives playing video games and card games. It’s disgusting. I have nowhere in this house where I can lay down, watch TV, and feel completely comfortable. I want to be on my own again. I want my own space. I’m fucking trapped.

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In even worse news, the Thunder just lost Game 3 of the NBA Finals. Going to go bang my head somewhere now…

I’m having difficulties

I’m seriously starting to believe I have some sort of anger issue(s). Issues that may require medication so that they don’t keep manifesting in these annoying bouts of ill health. Last Thursday I was having anxiety attacks and chest pains at work, and when I mentioned this to my parents they promptly flipped out and nearly dragged me to the ER. The next day, Friday—which was supposed to be the first day of my glorious 4-day Memorial Weekend staycation—my parents made me go to the doctor’s office, causing me to cancel all my exciting plans for the day (mainly, the beach!). We don’t know what’s wrong with me yet, or even if there is anything wrong with me (I’m really just convinced it’s all psychological), but my parents won’t rest until they’re certain. As for me…well I’m doing the best I can not to consume copious amounts of beer right now, because my mother is convinced my “alcoholic drinking” is the main cause for my health woes. (I swear I’m not an alcoholic. In fact I think I drink a perfectly normal amount for a 22-year-old who likes to party when she gets the chance.)

And what are the reasons for my incredibly foul, angry mood? There’s been some rather unsavory drama happening in my life. Long story short, I felt betrayed by a friend’s shady behavior, and what was once a schoolgirl crush has now quickly disappeared into thin air thanks to said shady behavior. Ugh, just thinking about the whole ordeal is making my blood boil again.

In other news, there’s a new theme up. Literally took me about three hours, probably the fastest I’ve ever whipped a layout into shape for this blog. But I really was just getting sick of the old one, and I’m determined to get the ball rolling again on this blogging thing. How I’m going to do that, I haven’t determined yet.

The thing is, times have changed. When I first blogged on the Internet, I was probably around 12 or 13 years old. No one knew who I was. I was just a kid writing random journal entries for strangers to see, first by hand, then with software like Graymatter, b2, yada yada (anyone remember those days?). I was always just a student ranting and raving about teenage life. If you go to my personal website, you’ll find content there that was written five, six years ago. Now I’m in my twenties and no longer a student. Social media has made it impossible to keep online and real-life identities separate. Many people in real life know I have a blog. And with my job, I understand now why it’s so important to keep the toes on the line when divulging personal details online. And it’s just irritating, because the Internet was supposed to be this vast place where I could carve out my own little corner and write about annoying troubles live was giving me.

OK, I’m not really sure where that rant was going. But blogging doesn’t seem to be as much fun as it used to. I haven’t decided whether to create an entirely new blog (along with a more carefully hidden online identity), but I don’t want to let go of this domain just yet. We’ll see.

We’ll see where this damn life takes me!

So this is what it means to be a grown-up

When I was in high school, I realized I had OCD. Or at the very least, serious OCD tendencies. I had to have control over everything. Every object that would reside in my room, my websites, my hobbies, my entire life. But the more I think about it, that was likely because my life back then was very small. Sheltered. There wasn’t much to work with.

Fast forward to today. I am a college graduate, I’m working full-time and part-time, and I’m living at home with my family. My brothers are no longer little kids I can boss around and control. My room is exploding with 4 years of college momentos and travel souvenirs and endless rounds of shopping sprees (which I can’t help but continue to do because A) I have money now, and B) I need more work-appropriate outfits!). Funny thing is, ever since Costa Rica I’ve tried to become incredibly conservative when it comes to material things. I learned that I really don’t need a lot of things to live contentedly. But here, in America, you just can’t do that. That’s the American dream — to make money and be greedy and buy all the pointless shit you want. Anyway, I feel I have too many material things (and really, I don’t, compared to a lot of other people I know). And I don’t know what to do with them. I was trying to clean out my closet and I just stared at the piles of T-shirts and hoodies that sit gathering dust now that I wear business casual basically day in and day out. They’re not being used. And I just feel incredibly guilty that they are taking up space in my room. And it’s bothering me. I don’t know how to get this feeling out of my system because it’s seriously depressing my mood.

Not only that, it appears I don’t have any time to do any real life cleaning like I’ve been meaning to do for the past year. Because I just have too much junk in my room and no real idea of what to do with them. I don’t know if I’m expressing myself correctly. All I know is that there’s so much I want to clean and organize in my life and I don’t know where to bloody start.

Zuuhhhhhhhhh

I’m currently in the midst of my third mental breakdown of the week. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It’s like a combination of work stress, PMS and OCD. And probably lack of sleep. I’m on the verge of tears, but nothing’s coming out, just fits of anger and self-inflicted physical…harm. To the point where I’m sorely tempted to bang my head on the wall because I feel like I need to experience serious physical pain to mask the irritation of this mental chaos. I don’t know what to do.

The other night I was barking at my family and it was freaking them out. Earlier this week I was just lying in my bed staring at the ceiling trying to empty my head. What the fuck is wrong with me…