Where did I go wrong

Sometimes I wonder why I choose to live with the pain. Why I feel like it’s better to suck it up than to find a solution to the problem. When you adopt a philosophy of sticking with the status quo, how are you supposed to deal when the status quo isn’t exactly so ideal?

I’ve never been a person who took kindly to change. Sure, there were some changes in my life I welcomed with open arms, but for the most part I’ve hated change. But I’m beginning to question myself. Is it really worth all the pain to keep change from happening? I’m at a time in my life where I should be blossoming, emerging as an independent, self-sufficient adult. Right? Why is it that I feel absolutely helpless, powerless?

Fear is such a powerful concept. I don’t even know what to make of it. Is it an emotion, a feeling, an entity? All I know is that I’m filling up with it. A fear that spans dimensions, indefinite darkness. It’s drowning me from the inside out. Fear of the future, fear of what the past has done that’s lead to this ugly present. And the guilt. Tremendous, overwhelming guilt. The what ifs, the regrets. There’s a burdening pressure to submerge myself in blame. There’s an agonizing feeling that had I been less selfish, had you I things differently…then I wouldn’t be at fault for the emotional pains and self-destruction of another person. It hurts even more when you realize you may be responsible for the miseries of someone you only recently realized you loved and couldn’t live without.

But it’s too late. It’s too late to make the right changes, and now I just have to find a way to withstand the terrible ones, the ones I have both control and no control over.

If there was a way I could trade in some personal pains for this one, this emotion I’m trying so hard to describe in this entry, I would do it in a heartbeat. The years of adolescent angst, the torment, the petty boy problems I’ve experienced in the past…those pains can’t compare to the incredible hurt of this one. I have control over my own personal emotions, but when you can’t control the feelings and actions of others — when you have that sense of complete helplessness — then the hurt is magnified tenfold and you know you’re defeated. Truly, completely defeated.

A few weeks ago, when I tried describing this pain that I’ve held secret inside for years, I was reassured with a “These things just happen, it happens to everyone” kind of comment. And it’s true, I suppose. I know I’m certainly not the first person to have to deal with this kind of pain, I know it afflicts everybody, even those, like me, who thought life could be normal. There are millions of examples of the kind of trauma I’m holding inside, splashed across newspapers daily.

But still…why does this have to fucking happen in the first place? Why do we have to be subjected to these incredibly testing experiences? It doesn’t change the fact that these things are happening and affecting me. And others. That’s the part that probably hurts the most. I can take the pain. I can handle my own trauma. But when the most important people in my life have pain and I have no control and I can’t do anything about it…it magnifies my own pain and makes it incredibly unbearable.

I have no idea where to go from here. I don’t know what to do. Every time I try to rationalize the situation, I only end up feeling more stupid. I don’t make sense. Nothing makes sense. I don’t know what’s coming, and at the same time I am incalculably terrified of what seems to be the inevitable. I don’t know how to take care of things anymore.

I’m so lost. My whole world has been shaken, once again, and with each disastrous occurrence I feel even more of a useless piece of flesh. I am so fucking lost.