Some school, life worries

So spring break is coming up in a few weeks. I honestly don’t know what to make of it. I’m about 7 weeks into this semester, and yet I feel like I have not done anything worthwhile with my life in comparison to last fall. I can’t think about school; I feel like at this point I’m done with academics and am now just trying to get some semblance of a life going. It kind of annoys me that I’ve become like this, because I absolutely loved school last semester. I felt like I was going somewhere with my life, and I had never tried so hard in every exam, paper, everything.

I’m so broke. My family is so broke. Sometimes I wonder how much longer I can be in college, without draining every kind of fund from my parents I can get. My mom scolded me the other night for not trying harder with scholarships, loans, etc. Which is true. While I consider myself a responsible person, I was never really ambitious. I never applied for any scholarships before coming into college. I didn’t think I was good enough, and I never tried making myself good enough. I just…floated through. Right now I’m working two jobs here in Champaign, but they’re not necessarily the ideal supporting jobs I should be having. I’m working them because they’re good for my résumé, and I wanna see if I really want to do what I’m studying here. I’m not making enough to barely pay the bills here, and I feel terrible for asking so much money from my parents this semester in comparison to last (at least, that’s what it feels like). I’m almost terrified of applying for more loans because 1) who knows if I’ll actually get them, and 2) what if I can’t pay for them after school?

Worse, what if I can’t even graduate on time? Sometimes I wonder if I should be going away to Costa Rica next semester. My parents aren’t a big fan of the idea because they think it’s pointless. I’ll still be able to graduate on time with my English major, I’m pretty sure, but since I’ve decided to double minor in Spanish and International/Global Studies the pressure is on to get every class done. What if I can’t afford to study abroad next semester?

What the fuck am I doing with my life?!