So spring break is coming up in a few weeks. I honestly don’t know what to make of it. I’m about 7 weeks into this semester, and yet I feel like I have not done anything worthwhile with my life in comparison to last fall. I can’t think about school; I feel like at this point I’m done with academics and am now just trying to get some semblance of a life going. It kind of annoys me that I’ve become like this, because I absolutely loved school last semester. I felt like I was going somewhere with my life, and I had never tried so hard in every exam, paper, everything.

I’m so broke. My family is so broke. Sometimes I wonder how much longer I can be in college, without draining every kind of fund from my parents I can get. My mom scolded me the other night for not trying harder with scholarships, loans, etc. Which is true. While I consider myself a responsible person, I was never really ambitious. I never applied for any scholarships before coming into college. I didn’t think I was good enough, and I never tried making myself good enough. I just…floated through. Right now I’m working two jobs here in Champaign, but they’re not necessarily the ideal supporting jobs I should be having. I’m working them because they’re good for my résumé, and I wanna see if I really want to do what I’m studying here. I’m not making enough to barely pay the bills here, and I feel terrible for asking so much money from my parents this semester in comparison to last (at least, that’s what it feels like). I’m almost terrified of applying for more loans because 1) who knows if I’ll actually get them, and 2) what if I can’t pay for them after school?

Worse, what if I can’t even graduate on time? Sometimes I wonder if I should be going away to Costa Rica next semester. My parents aren’t a big fan of the idea because they think it’s pointless. I’ll still be able to graduate on time with my English major, I’m pretty sure, but since I’ve decided to double minor in Spanish and International/Global Studies the pressure is on to get every class done. What if I can’t afford to study abroad next semester?

What the fuck am I doing with my life?!

Happy Unofficial St. Patrick’s Day to you all in the Midwest who have decided to come down and converge upon my school this very sunshiny morning. Best holiday ever. One of the only times in life where it is perfectly acceptable to wake up at 7 in the morning and start chugging beer.

Time to get fucked up and forget about everything.

It’s funny how simple events all happening in the span of a week or two can unravel your life.

I’ve become an angry, angry person after the way things have gone in the past couple of weeks. A frightening phone call tonight put me dangerously close to a breakdown. People, innocent and guilty, continue to frustrate me.

It’s all I can do to only hope for better things.

I’ve come to the realization that I just can’t do this anymore. School. Work. Classes. I have absolutely no motivation to do any of it.

It scares and upsets me at the same time that I can’t seem to find the drive to make an effort this semester. I was so damn good last fall. I really was. I managed to raise my GPA, I loved every single one of my classes, and most importantly, I learned so much. But here we are now in week 6 (I think) of this semester, and I still have yet to dive right in and regain that mentality. It’s like my brain has shut off and ceased to function.

Case in point: I had a take-home exam to complete this weekend. It’s due in about 6.5 hours. I finished about 90% of it yesterday, meaning it really should have only taken me about half an hour to finish it today. But I literally just finished it about twenty minutes ago. It took me over 12 fucking hours to finish a short essay. It’s ridiculous. I’m so upset with myself, but I don’t know what to do about it. I have two papers due on Tuesday as well as work for the next three days, so I don’t know how I’m going to manage to get my ass up and be productive for once.

I honestly don’t think I can be in school right now. I have no motivation, no desire. I’m so distracted by my social life, but I’m not partying any more or any less (OK, that might be a lie). I just would much rather curl up on the couch reading a book right now than writing any bloody papers.

I should also probably get some sleep as well. Shit.

1. At the clubs, black dudes dance like they’re having rough sex. White guys are just awkward. I don’t go near Asians. Latinos are alright.
2. I need to remember to wear less clothing at Cly’s. Now I realize why so many girls dress up like total skanks even in the dead of winter — because inside the bar it’s friggin’ hot as hell.
3. Always wear backings to earrings!! I’m so upset I lost one of my earrings on the dance floor last night. Someone bumped into me and I just felt it fall off into the abyss…
4. The line to the guys’ bathroom are definitely MUCH longer than the line for the girls’. It’s like an anomaly. Quite amusing, really.
5. It’s always funny watching ghetto/urban people trying to dance to classic rock songs like “You Shook Me All Night Long.” And vice versa — watching white people rap along to old school Biggie.
6. It sucks having a high tolerance. I miss the days when it was much easier to get drunk.

Now it’s time to go and be a good student for once.