So I don’t know why it is I still feel bitter and angry about my life. I don’t know if it’s all the medicine and pills I’ve been taking, the culture shock of having been transplanted to a foreign country or god knows what else. But I’ve just been so damn irritable, no matter how hard I’m trying to live the life of “pura vida.” I find myself needing to get out of the house so that I’m not trapped in my room with these destructive thoughts. I’m so emotionally exhausted, I end up napping and sleeping for hours on end just to try and purge it all.

I hate this. I haven’t felt this moody since high school. The first couple years of college were absolutely blissful, the third felt rather strained, and now I’m just completely tired of everything and everyone. I’ve become practically misanthropic with all the people from my life back home. Selfish and close-minded. I’m in need of company but at the same time I don’t want it because I know it won’t suffice. What can you do when you’re trying to let all the bad energy go but a part of you just won’t let you?

We saw Mujeres al borde de un ataque de nervios in film class today. Though the movie was about something completely different, I quite like the title of it. It feels appropriate today.

It’s hard to believe that I’ve only been here in Costa Rica for almost a week. I have so many emotions rolling through me right now I don’t quite know how to handle them. Admittedly, I didn’t come here with the best attitude. There were just so many things about the end of my summer that had upset me so much, and even right now I can’t help but still feel so angry thinking about them. I was so upset and disappointed in a lot of people. It was my last month at home, my birthday month, and it felt like nobody gave a shit. No one tried to hang out or talk with me, nor did a lot of people show up to either of my birthday/going away parties. Some might say that things like that can’t be helped; people were busy, couldn’t make it, etc. But I still can’t help but feel like I don’t mean anything at all to a lot of people. No matter how much fun people think I am, no matter how much effort I put into being a good friend, it still feels like nobody has ever bothered to do the same. Year after year.

My last visit to Champaign was a joke and a waste, nor was my last day at home the peaceful worry-free good-bye it should have been. My birthday was even more of a joke. I don’t know anyone who’s ever had to deal with having a birthday the day after landing in a completely foreign country, but let me tell you it is not fun. As nice as my host family was in making me a small card, cake and everything, it hurt not being around people who could have made it even more special. Although I don’t know why I think that would have been possible; my birthday has always been a fucking joke and sometimes I feel like I should just erase it from the calendar because it’s pointless.

And I can’t believe that I’m seriously writing about all this when I should be retelling every adventure so far of this study abroad experience. Guess I just needed to clear the air first so I can really enjoy my time here in Costa Rica without all this bullshit lingering in my mind. Hasta luego…

Leaving for the airport in approximately 2.5 hours. Scheduled to arrive in San Jose, Costa Rica at 1:35pm…which is approximately 12 hours from now.

Holy. Freaking. Shit.

I’m not much of a believer in karma or any of that stuff. Or whatever. But today I ended up working with this girl who’s a total gloom and not the kind of person I’d ever want in my regular company. In one of the theaters we were cleaning today, there was a particular row that was trashed beyond relief. She complained and whined about how pathetic people were. Though I silently agreed, it wasn’t exactly news to me. You kind of learn early on that working at a movie theater makes you realize just how much of a pig the human being is. I just nodded nonchalantly, hoping she would shut up and just clean the damned row.

But she didn’t, of course. She picked up some of the garbage but most of the popcorn was left for me to sweep. Well, lo and behold! I found a $5 bill in this particular messy row. Needless to say, I was all grins and happily swept up the messy row.

And now it’s nearly 1 in the morning and I have so much packing and cleaning and organizing to do. As much as I wanted this day, my last day in the United States, to come, I think deep down part of me was just hoping for more time. To get my life in order or something. My room is a total disaster zone and I have no idea what I’m packing. Or how I should be packing. Yada yada yada!!!

So I used UPS for the first time today. As in it was the first time I walked into the store with my own package and not with some giant box from work or a pre-labeled video game for my brother. And here I was, thinking it would be a normal shipping transaction. I would hand my package to the dude behind the counter, he would press a few buttons and I’d only have to dish out $3-4.

But no. It cost me $12.37 to ship a stupid book through UPS. Seriously? $12.37?

I was shocked. See, for the past couple of years I’ve been mailing off all my Half.com textbook sales through USPS. Was completely satisfied with that. Today I chose to stop by UPS instead because it was closer to work and time was crunchin’. Instead, I end up spending nearly $10 more than I meant to. I was very annoyed.

Sigh. Work was meh today. Life is meh.

4 days to go until I vamanoose to another country!!!!